


They do not love (that do not show their love)

by rumpelsnorcack



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-11-10 22:56:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 28,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11136327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rumpelsnorcack/pseuds/rumpelsnorcack
Summary: "I thought about getting a fake, you know.  A decoy boyfriend.  But … I don’t really know anyone.”“You know me.”“I do know you, but I couldn’t ask that of you.”“Why not?”aka, the one where Even finds himself in need of a fake boyfriend and Isak offers to help.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Basically, I'm drowning in the angst and drama happening in the show at the moment, so to soothe myself I started writing this extremely cliche trope. I just had a need for fluff and pining, and figured some other people might like some too. Plus, I couldn't resist 'what if Even were to want a fake boyfriend; what would that look like?' and so here we are.
> 
> Many many thanks to [Sarah](http://sanashappinessisendgame.tumblr.com/) and [Camilla](https://hjertetssunnegalskap.tumblr.com/) for the beta help and the Norweigian guru-ing respectively. I could not have done this without you two! All remaining mistakes are, as always, my own.

The classroom around him was deserted, and Even allowed himself to wallow a little as he waited.  Why was everything so fucking difficult?  On paper, it had sounded great.  He would transfer schools, repeat the year (or more like actually take the year; there had been far too many days lying in bed unable to move even before … well, _before_ ).  It should have been fine.  And maybe in some ways it was.  Even had made friends, and maybe they weren’t as close as the friends he’d had at Bakka.  But they were friends, people he could hang out with and talk to between classes, and given time that could develop into something more.   

No, the problem wasn’t really with the people he’d met at his new school.  The problem was with his old friends.  Or … not exactly friends anymore, he guessed.  Not now that Even had expended so much energy making sure he didn’t see them.  Even sighed, the thoughts weighing him down and weariness seeping into every corner of his body.   

The buzzing of his phone pulled Even out of his moroseness.  He glanced down and grimaced when he saw the name lighting up the screen.  Elias.  He just didn’t know when to give up.  Sighing, Even swiped his thumb over the screen and read the message.

_How’re you going? We’re all going to a party at Mikael’s on Friday.  You should come._  

More of the same.  Every month or so this would happen; the boys would text one after the other.  Random suggestions of things they could all do together.  Things that often made Even’s blood run cold at the mere idea.  Things that involved people he’d once known and loved, but was now desperate to avoid.  Mikael, for example.  Not that it was Elias’s fault exactly; he couldn’t know the depth of the history there.  But it was awkward as hell that he kept trying to include Even.  Idly, Even wondered why Mikael didn’t just tell Elias to stop.  It’s not like he’d want to see Even, either.  Surely.

“Is it going to eat you?” 

“Huh?”  

Even turned to the voice, dimly remembering where he was and why he was actually here.

“Your phone?  Is it going to eat you?” 

“No.  What?”  Even was still trying to pull his brain into this new direction, and slipped the phone into his pocket, pushing the worries about the texts away with it.  Even looked over at the source of the voice, and his face relaxed into a smile.   “Sana?” 

She rolled her eyes and slid into the chair next to him. 

“Yes it’s me.  You asked me to meet you here, remember?  Life or death, you said.” 

Even allowed himself a small smile.  “I’d never say that.” 

“Liar.”  She smiled at him, showing off her famed dimples, and Even shuddered.  Whenever those came out, he always knew he was in for trouble.  She was in a playful mood.  It may have been months since he’d last spoken to her to say more than ‘hi’ or ‘how’s things?’ but he’d always remember that. 

“I said important.  Not the same thing!” Even protested, trying to defend himself. 

“Uh huh.” Sana nodded sagely, her dimples deepening as she held his eyes.  When he looked away, defeated, she sniggered and said,  “so, what’s so ‘important’ that we had to meet here in the depths of lunch break where no-one else can see us?” 

She gestured around the empty classroom and Even blushed.  The look in her eyes was too knowing to be coincidence.  He’d wondered, occasionally, how obvious he was being -- and if Sana was anything to go by, the answer was ‘really fucking obvious.’  He groaned internally, but pressed on.  No point in wasting the moment, after all. 

“Well … you have a friend.”

Sana smiled, her dimples gaining even more prominence -- some sort of witchcraft, Even thought petulantly.  “Yes I do.  Several in fact,” she said. 

Even sighed again.  Sana wasn’t going to make this easy for him, then.  Not that he’d really expected her to, but a man could hope. 

“I … um.  I kind of want to meet one of them.” 

She raised one eyebrow and pursed her lips, clearly trying to hold back the grin that threatened.  The smile of amusement and her patented ‘I can use this against you’ glee. 

“You kind of want to meet one of them?”  She repeated, the glee barely repressed in her voice.  Even grimaced, but there was no turning back.  Not now he’d come this far. 

“Yes.  He’s kind of … cute?” 

Sana laughed, the glee bursting out in a peal of irritatingly musical chuckles for something so … so threatening.  She patted his arm.  “You have a crush!” 

“No!  No.  I just want to meet the guy.” 

“You want to meet the guy; you think he’s cute.  But you don’t have a crush.  Uh huh.” 

Even could feel the heat in his cheeks, damn her.  She was having fun with this.  He shook his head.  “Okay, never mind.  I’ll figure it out myself.” 

Sensing his mood the way she always had before, Sana dropped her mocking grin and smiled genuinely.  Finally.  She always knew never to push him too far, and he’d always loved that about her. 

“Relax, Even.  Who is it?” 

“Ummmm … you do Biology together, I think.” 

 _You think_ , his internal voice snorted.   _As if you haven’t spent every moment finding out the guy’s timetable in a vain attempt to accidentally run into him somewhere_.  Which is why Sana was even here -- Even was all out of his own ideas.  The look Sana gave him suggested she didn’t believe him, either.  

“You mean Isak?” 

“I guess so?  If he’s the one you do Biology with.” 

Even’s heart was pounding.  Isak.  That was, sadly, much more information than Even had been able to glean on his own.  He really was pathetic at this ‘meeting the not-a-crush-just-an-interesting-guy-I-see-around-the-place’ business.  Sana must have noticed, because her eyes softened in sympathy.   

“I don’t know how much help I can be, though.  He’s a grumpy little shit.” 

“Any help is better than where I’m at now.” 

Sana dimpled at him again as she stood up.  “It was good to talk to you again, Even.  Maybe next time we can do it when you don’t have important crushes.” 

Even blushed, feeling the heat in his cheeks as he avoided her gaze.  He really had been a shit friend, and it was good of her to be so restrained about it.   

“I’m … yeah, I’m sorry, Sana.  It’s just …” 

She nodded, once.  He could see understanding in her eyes, the softness that hid there behind the smartass facade. 

“I know; it’s okay,” she said gently.  “Take care of yourself.  And … maybe come around sometime.  They miss you; we all do.” 

“I … yeah, I might.  I should.” Even swallowed against the wave of nostalgia that hit him just from talking to Sana, and wondered what it might be like to see the others again.  To talk to them again.  It was … the idea was so big, but it wasn’t quite as horrifying as it had been just a few minutes ago. 

“Bye, Even.  Think about it, okay?” 

“Okay.” 

She left then, and Even pulled his phone out again.  The text was still there.   _They miss you; we all do._  It echoed in his brain.  Maybe Sana was right.  Maybe he _should_ try to be more open.  If only the party wasn’t at Mikael’s house, Even might have considered going.  As it was, however, he just couldn’t bring himself to consider it.  Not after everything that had happened.  

Even’s fingers hovered over the phone, trying to think of some way to respond.   The bell rang, startling him, and he ended up slipping it back into his pocket, text unanswered. 

As Even walked home from the tram that afternoon, his phone buzzed in his pocket again.  Expecting another text from another of the Bakka boys, Even was reluctant to look at it.  So it wasn’t until he was almost at his door that he saw what it said. 

 _Tomorrow after school.  We’re going to be studying at the coffee shop nearest Nissen.  And that’s all the help I’m giving you._  

Even could feel the grin splitting his face, but for once he didn’t care that he wasn’t able to keep his cool confident image.  He quickly responded. 

 _Sana, you’re a legend!_  

 _I know._  

_ One thing though.  Please don’t let on that you know me _

_ Why? _

_ It’s just … I want a fresh start, you know? _

_Okay.  I’ll humour this.  Just this once_  

 _Your beneficence is overwhelming_  

_ You love it _

_ <3 _

Even grinned as he put the phone away.  As nerve-wracking as it had been to contact Sana again, he was glad he had.  He’d learned Isak’s name and found out where he would be after school tomorrow.  And, perhaps best of all, he’d sent out one tiny little tendril back into his old life and it hadn’t blown up in his face.   _Yet,_ his brain cheerfully reminded him.   _There’s still time._  Growling, Even shoved the thought away.  He was going to focus on the positives right now.  

Which lasted about as long as it took for him to get to the cafe the next afternoon and spot Sana and Isak through the window.  His heart clenched in fear as he looked at them.  What the fuck could he possibly say to this guy?  Even stayed outside for several more seconds, watching them, trying to bolster his courage enough to go in.  They were sitting together.  Isak was slouched in his chair looking disgruntled, his cap on backwards and his shirt rumpled where it had ridden up against the chair’s back.  It showed a sliver of skin, which made Even’s throat go tight and which he quickly dragged his eyes away from, looking instead at Sana.  Her head was thrown back and she was laughing at whatever Isak had just said.  His face softened into a reluctant smile, and he pushed her leg with his foot while she grinned.

Swallowing down his fear, Even pushed open the door and strolled into the shop.  Isak looked up, and over at him.  Even hoped he wasn’t imagining the blush that appeared high on Isak’s cheeks as he held Even’s gaze.  Across the table from him, Sana smirked.  She said something and Isak’s head whipped round to face her, and this time the blush was obvious. 

Even took his time ordering a tea, and flirted a little with the boy behind the counter.  Just in case Isak was watching and wondering if Even was into boys.  Even watched out of the corner of his eyes, and he was hopeful that Isak really was sending small glances in his direction; he was certainly more distracted than he had been just a few moments earlier.  Even turned and leaned against the counter while he waited for his drink to be made, and to get a better view.  From this vantage he could see that there were definitely small glances being sent his way, but he couldn’t allow himself to get his hopes up.  That, as he’d been so clearly shown before, was a certain path to pain and disappointment. 

“We can bring it to a table for you,” the guy behind the counter said.

“Oh.  No, it’s fine.  I’m fine here; I can wait,” Even said, directing the full force of his smile at the guy.  It worked.  He grinned back and let Even remain where he was.   

From here, Even could see Isak’s profile as he talked with Sana.  They were clearly arguing about something, and eventually Isak rolled his eyes and pushed his chair back.  It took a few long moments before Even realised he was heading in his direction, making him panic momentarily.  Which … he glanced behind Isak and saw Sana’s smirk.  She was really enjoying this.  Taking a long breath, Even put on his most relaxed expression and lounged even more aggressively against the counter. 

Isak arrived and started digging in his jeans pocket for money.  “One green tea please,” he said to the guy behind the counter as he passed the money over. 

“You don’t seem the green tea type,” Even observed, and was charmed to see Isak jump a little at his words.  He turned his green eyes on Even and grimaced. 

“I’m not.  My friend insisted I buy it for her since she got the most questions right while we studied.”

He indicated behind him at Sana, who was still smirking at them, dimples on full display. 

“Oh.”  Even silently sent thanks to Sana for doing this.  “What are you studying?” 

“Biology.”

“That sounds exhausting.” 

Isak laughed, and Even could feel himself falling even deeper into this not-a-crush.  Isak’s laugh was so open, and it made his eyes crinkle in a way that was, frankly, really sexy. 

“It’s not that bad.  Usually I’m pretty good.” He cast a mournful look over his shoulder at a clearly delighted Sana, who was grinning in their direction.  “Just not today.” 

“Pretty good, huh?  Good enough to tutor someone who’s useless?” 

The grin Isak gave him then should have been illegal.  It was bright and cheeky, and pretty much screamed ‘I’m going to be a little shit.’  Even was helpless in the face of it.  

“No, probably not that good.  Someone useless should probably pay more attention in class.” 

“Ouch.  Is this how you treat all the guys?” 

“You didn’t say the useless person was you.” 

“You’re right, I didn’t.”  Even smiled again.  “So let’s just pretend I never said that.  I’m  _ clearly _ not that person, I’m wonderful at Biology and I definitely don’t need a tutor.”  Isak sniggered, then looked up at him from under lowered lashes.  Even’s breath caught for a moment, and it took far too long for him to finally say, “I’m Even, by the way.”

He held his hand out and Isak took it.  “Isak.” 

“Your tea,” the guy behind the counter said, coughing politely to get their attention, and Even reached to take it just as Isak did too.  The force of both their hands was enough to push it off balance and it tipped, flooding the counter with liquid and splashing both of them with scalding tea. 

“Ow, fuck!” Isak said, as he pulled his sodden shirt away from his chest.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Even said.  His own sweatshirt was far less wet, having caught just a few drops of the tea here and there, but there was an embarrassing patch on his jeans which was going to be hard to explain away when he had to leave.

“Nah, it wasn’t your fault,” Isak said through clenched teeth.  “I should have thought -- you were here first; it was always going to be yours.”

“You should run that under water.  In the bathroom?” 

Nodding, Isak turned in that direction and Even hastily followed him.  By the time they’d got there, the tea had cooled and the damp patch on Even’s jeans was uncomfortably cold and clingy.  But he ignored it in favour of helping Isak, who pulled the shirt over his head, wincing as it caught on the burned skin.  Even sucked in his breath in sympathy. 

“That looks painful.” 

“Yeah, it is a bit.  Can you … get some tissues or something?  I don’t think I can get my whole body under the water.” 

Even laughed at the image of Isak twisting around trying to get his lanky frame under the small stream of water from the tap, and Isak smiled reluctantly back at him.  But he was obviously in pain so Even quickly grabbed as many paper towels as he could and soaked them in water before pressing them as gently as he could to Isak’s chest. 

Isak sucked in a shaky breath, wincing again as the towels made contact with the reddened skin.  “Thanks,” he said as he put his hands over Even’s on the towels.  The contact made Even’s hand burn, and he could feel his own cheeks heating along with a strange fluttering in his chest.  “You didn’t have to …”

“Hey, who am I to leave a damsel in distress?” 

Isak rolled his eyes, and Even found it just about the most endearing thing he’d ever seen.  He dropped his hand, allowing Isak to hold the towels alone, and trying to get his stupid heartbeat back to some semblance of normal. 

“I’ll have you know, I’m usually very dextrous.  I’m the best at avoiding trouble.” 

Grinning, Even said, “I’m sure you are.” 

That earned him a scowl, which was far more attractive than it had any right to be, before Isak said earnestly, "but honestly, I owe you one.  You didn’t have to help.” 

The door swung open and the harassed looking counter attendant bustled in.  His eyes were wide and he was sweating.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.  I didn’t mean … I hope you’re okay, man.” 

Isak laughed a little and shook his head.  “It’s fine.  I’m fine.  Look … the red’s even starting to go away.  No harm done.” 

The attendant looked like he was going to cry, he was so relieved.  “I’ll … I’ll go get more tea ready, and you can go to your table.  I’ll bring it.” 

“Are you suggesting we’ll spill it again?”  Even asked, grinning, and the attendant flushed.

“Oh.  No.  Not at all.  It’s just … we’re supposed to bring it over.”

He cast one last, panicked look at them, as if they might try to wrest the tray from him and serve themselves if he wasn’t careful.  He hurried out of the room, clearly hoping that they wouldn’t press the issue further if he escaped. 

Isak looked at his shirt, which was hanging limply from his hand clinging together in an unappealing way, and his face twisted a little. 

“I don’t really want to put this back on,” he said.  “It’s gotta be gross as fuck.”

“Here,” Even said, pulling his sweatshirt over his head and handing it to Isak.  “Take this.  I have another.” 

He indicated the t-shirt he was wearing, and Isak smiled.  “I don’t want to be a bother.” 

“No bother.  Just give me your number and I can get it back easily enough.”

Internally, he was rejoicing.  Despite Isak’s wary look, he pulled his phone out and handed it to Even, accepting his in exchange.  Somehow, out of this mess, Even was going to get Isak’s number.  It was more than he’d ever expected when he’d spoken to Sana yesterday.  He managed to keep his glee quiet inside of him, however, merely nodding when Isak handed his own phone back to him. 

“I should … uh.  I should get back to my friend.  She’s probably wondering where I am.” 

Somehow Even doubted that.  Sana would be half focused on her study, and half excited that Even had Isak captured in the bathroom for so long.  But he nodded along, and let Isak lead the way out. 

“You … uh.  You want to sit with us?”  Isak asked hesitantly, and Even’s heart swelled.   

“I don’t want to be a bother.” 

Isak grinned up at him, a cheeky glint in his eye.  “No bother,” he said and Even laughed aloud at the mimicry.

“Okay, you got me.  But only if your friend doesn’t mind.” 

He knew she wouldn’t.  The smirk on her face said she was desperate to see the two of them together and watch Even squirm.  

They sat down, and moments later the still extremely apologetic attendant brought their tea over.  Sana sipped hers while glancing between the two of them with a cheerful smirk on her face, and clearly with no intention to help them out of this conversational black hole.  And okay, so Even _had_ asked her not to mention them knowing each other, but this wasn’t what he’d meant.  And she knew it.  Isak became much less talkative, and the conversation was sufficiently awkward after that for Even to excuse himself reasonably quickly.  

He couldn’t help grinning, though, as he made his way home.  Things were looking up.  Finally.  Even if he’d dumped tea all over him, Even had finally talked to the boy and found him as charming as he’d imagined.  And he’d got his phone number and a fabulous excuse to see him again.  The memory of his hands on Isak’s chest, innocent as it was, flooded him with joyous delight and left him grinning. 

Of course, that’s when the text came.  Because Even had the very _best_ luck. 

 _You coming on Friday?_  

Mikael.  Fuck.  The last person Even wanted to hear from.  But unlike Elias, Even felt compelled to answer this one.  Mikael was different, and that was half the problem.

_No I can’t.  I have plans._  

_ What sort of plans? _

_A date, what do you think?_  

 _But you and Sonja are done, right?_  

 _It’s not Sonja_.  Even took a deep breath, before adding more.   _It’s my new boyfriend.  As in boy, not girl._  

 _That’s great, buddy.  You should bring him._  

Was there a hint of sarcasm in that ‘buddy’?  Even couldn’t tell, and maybe his hackles were just up because of the way Mikael had reacted last time Even liking boys had come up.  But he was sensitive to it anyway.  He tried to make the next text as neutral as possible, just in case Mikael was trying to needle him.

_I don’t think he’d want to_  

_ Pics or it didn’t happen, Even.  I want to see this guy who could steal you away from us _

Even knew he probably didn’t mean to make it sound so … so disbelieving.  He knew Mikael wasn’t  _ trying _ to be an asshole.  But it still stung that he didn’t believe him.  Clearly didn’t believe him.  On impulse, Even sent one final text.  Because he could never stop himself when it came to Mikael.

_ Fine, I’ll come.  We’ll come. _

And what the fuck was he thinking?  That was the worst idea Even’d had in a very long time.  It’s not like he had a boyfriend waiting at home, or any friends close enough to cover for him.  He was going to have to just avoid the damn party and let them all know he was a lying asshole who couldn’t even admit he was too scared to see his old friends again.  Even groaned.  Why was everything that he did so specifically designed to make him look like a loser and a flake?  He couldn’t even blame anyone else; he’d brought all of this on himself.

Even stewed over his predicament for two days.  He tried to think of every possibility, from magically gaining a boyfriend to suddenly coming down with a strange one day fever which left him miraculously fine the next day.  But nothing he could think of was going to work.  So Even took to dramatically stalking the hallways outside Sana’s classes whenever he could in the hopes that she might be able to help him if he could catch her.  He never did; she was always gone by the time he got there.

Unfortunately, he’d forgotten that Sana shared Biology with Isak.  So, of course, because as he’d observed before, Even had the best luck, the person he did eventually run into was Isak.  Or … it wasn’t unfortunate, exactly.  The sight of Isak in his worn out jeans, plain t-shirt and hoodie was more enticing than it probably should have been.  And Even appreciated the hell out of the sight, allowing his eyes to drag on Isak’s chest where the shirt hugged tight as he stretched.  Isak blushed as he caught Even’s gaze, and he dropped his arms quickly. 

“Hey.  How’re you?” He asked, clearly puzzled about why Even was there.  Which was fair enough, Even supposed, considering Isak still didn’t know that he and Sana were kind-of-friends.

On the spur of the moment, Even grinned at him and said, “I was hoping you might be able to help with some advice.” 

“Me?  Advice?”   Isak narrowed his eyes suspiciously.  “Did someone put you up to this?  Was it Jonas?” 

“No.  Honestly.  I have no idea who that is.  I really do need help, and I don’t know many people here yet.  So …” 

He made his voice and his eyes as beseeching as he could, and it was only a few seconds before Isak dropped his gaze again and smiled.

“Okay, sure.  Why not?” 

Suddenly able to breathe easier, Even grinned and said, “thanks.  Maybe this can be that one you owe me.”

Isak laughed.  “Yeah, maybe.” 

They made their way outside since it was a break, and ended up sitting side by side on the back of a bench.  Even wished there was something to break the tension.  Weed or Sana, or just something to stop this awkward perching and all the silent stolen glances. 

Eventually, Isak broke the silence.  “So, what do you need?” 

Even took a deep breath before answering.  “I did something stupid and I’m not sure how to get out of it.” 

“Sounds like quite a story.” 

Even chuckled.  “You’d think, but it’s not really.  I … I kind of told some old friends that I have a guy … a boyfriend.  You know, to get them off my back because they’ve been assholes about me leaving my girlfriend.  And now I kind of agreed to go to a party with this guy at their place.  Only …” 

“Only you don’t have a boyfriend?” 

“Nope, nor even the slightest possibility of getting one, and definitely not by tomorrow night.  So now I’m fucked.” 

“You couldn’t just tell them the truth?” 

“I could.  But I really don’t want to.  It’s … it’s kind of complicated with all that stuff.”

Isak let out a long sigh.  “That’s tough, man.” 

“Yeah.  I thought about getting a fake, you know.  A decoy boyfriend.  But … I don’t really know anyone.” 

“You know me.” 

Even laughed, startled.  It was the last thing he'd expected, particularly not in a tone that spoke of quiet certainty.

“I do know you, but I couldn’t ask that of you.”

“Why not?” 

“Well …” _Because I’m madly in lust with you and being fake boyfriends might just kill me_ , Even’s mind suggested helpfully, but he suppressed it.  “Um, because we barely know each other.” 

Isak laughed.  “You ran your hands all over my chest just the other day.  I’d say you know me quite well.” 

Even grinned, but soon let it slip again as he turned away from Isak.  The memory of that chest came back, making Even blush.  Isak’s chest, in hindsight, had been very nice, and the way it felt under his fingers had been … something he’d really love to experience again.  “I mean … that’s true, but...” 

“Look, do you want my help or not?” 

Isak’s expression was hard to read, but there was sincerity in his eyes which made Even have to blink back tears.  Here was this guy he’d known for two days offering to do something really quite big for him.  It was … it had been far too long since Even had felt real friendship and he felt quite emotional at this gesture.

“You’d really do it?” 

“Yeah.  Of course.  It’s just one night, right?  It’s not like a long term commitment.” 

Even studied his face for several seconds, trying to discern if there was a hidden agenda there.  There was nothing but sincerity in it.  Even laughed, astonished and overwhelmed. 

“You … you’re amazing.  Just … thank you!”

Isak blushed slightly and lowered his gaze.  He shrugged, looking uncomfortable. 

“It’s not that big a deal.  After all, like you said -- I owe you one.  And maybe this means I can get that hoodie back to you finally.”

“Hoodie?”  Even gaped at him before remembering.  How the hell did he forget that meeting?  This Mikael thing was obviously stressing him out more than he’d realised.  “Oh, yeah.  Don’t stress.  It’s not that important.” 

They relapsed into silence, and Even couldn’t help stealing glances at Isak again.  He looked caught up in his own thoughts, and exactly as beautiful as he’d always been.  This was probably the worst idea Even had ever had (or, Isak had, really), given just how enamoured Even was with Isak, but he couldn’t bring himself to care right now.  His ass was saved, he’d be seeing Isak tomorrow night, and hopefully the boys would get off his back once and for all.


	2. Chapter 2

_ Shit.  Fuck.  Shit.  What the hell are you thinking, Valtersen?  Fuck.  Fuck.  Shit _

Isak was helpless to control his inner monologue, which was really panicking and resorting to swearing a lot.  It was in overdrive like this because apparently Isak was the stupidest, most idiotically dense person to ever exist in the history of the universe.  And fuck anyone who tried to tell him he was being overly dramatic.  This was literally the worst idea Isak had ever had, and that was saying something, considering his wonderfully bright plan to cause problems with Jonas and Eva last year. 

Isak opened his mouth to back out of it, but he found himself saying, “look, do you want my help or not” instead, because Even (stupidly hot, fucking gorgeous Even who Isak had been pining over for weeks now) was looking at him like he’d just solved all the mysteries of the universe and Isak couldn’t resist those puppy dog eyes.  This was possibly the most ridiculous thing to ever happen to Isak, and yet here he was.  Somehow he was sitting here calmly agreeing to be Even’s fake boyfriend for a night.  Tomorrow night.  He didn’t even have time to get used to the idea and figure it out. 

Worse, Even’s stupid grin was doing complicated things to Isak’s insides and he was basically a puddle of semi-molten goo on the bench.  Break was nearly over and Isak was going to have to go back into school and act like his life didn’t just get turned upside down.  And honestly, Isak felt like that was the world asking far too much of him.  He had some serious panicking to do and only around 24 hours in which to do it.  That wasn’t enough time to deal with all the messy thoughts his brain was now coming up with about exactly why this was the worst idea ever concocted.

Isak sleepwalked his way through the rest of the conversation, saying the right things, smiling in the right places.  But his mind was barely keeping up with the flow (he thought he sounded sensible at least, so that was something), and Isak was relieved when they eventually lapsed into silence and he could stop trying to pretend to be thinking coherently.

Beside him, Even sighed, and the sound sent shivers right down to Isak’s toes.  He glanced sideways and caught Even looking at him with an expression which was soft and almost fond.  It morphed almost immediately into gratefulness and Isak wondered if he’d imagined it.  Of course he did, he thought, rolling his eyes at himself, because there was no way that Even could possibly like Isak, not the way Isak liked _him_.  There was no way that Even’s body was filled with the same sort of molten lava Isak’s was whenever they happened to be in the same place.  Isak had to remind himself of that because any other thoughts would leave him in a hell of a difficult state tomorrow night.  He was going to have to work really hard to remember that anything that happened tomorrow was an act.  Otherwise … well, otherwise things could get really complicated and really messy really fast.  Like they weren’t complicated enough already.  

As if in response to the thought, Even said, “you wanna get out of here?”

“Hmm?” 

“You want to go somewhere and, I dunno, talk about how this will work?” Even smirked at Isak, raising one of his unfairly glorious eyebrows and fucking with Isak’s equilibrium even more than he already had.  “Unless you want to go back inside and learn whatever it is they’ll be teaching for the rest of the day?” 

Isak laughed, the sound rueful.  “I definitely don’t want to go back in there.” 

“Then let’s go.” 

Even hopped down from the bench and headed off down the street.  After a dazed moment, Isak followed him.  What the fuck, right?  It wasn’t like he was going to be able to concentrate properly this afternoon anyway.  Isak already knew he was fucked; it couldn’t do much more harm to give in to his desire to go pretty much anywhere, and do pretty much anything, Even asked of him. 

They walked for what seemed like hours.  Even’s strides were so long (curse his fucking giant legs, that were both distractingly sexy and made him walk far too fast), that Isak was soon winded from trying to keep up.  Even glanced sideways eventually and smiled.  

“You okay?”

“Yeah … sure.  I love practically running after gigantic people I just promised to date for an evening.  Being winded is my idea of a really great time.” 

The sarcastic effect was ruined slightly because Isak was still gasping for breaths through the whole speech.  And that was really fucking annoying when he was trying to look cool, calm and sophisticated. 

“Good to know.”  Even grinned, his eyes crinkling into tiny slits and Isak’s heart fucking pounded in his chest again.  This time possibly, _probably,_ not because he was out of breath and out of shape.  Even set off again, the infuriating ass, taking even longer strides than before if that was even possible.  Isak hurried after him, determined not to be the one who caved first.  

“Can we just stop?”  Isak finally asked petulantly, his stubbornness losing out to the desire to not be walking around so fucking much. 

“Oh?  You want to stop?  You should have asked.” 

Even’s grin was messing with Isak, who scowled.   

“You’re an insufferable asshole, you know that?” 

“I’ve been told, yeah.”

Even finally stopped at a small park, sitting down on a bench and smiling at Isak as he patted the seat beside him.  Isak slid onto the bench with a relieved sigh and laid his head back against the headrest.  Even sat silently, eyes flicking over to Isak every now and then.  Once his breathing was under some semblance of control, Isak looked back. 

“So, how’s this going to work anyway?  We walk in together, I shake a few hands and we leave?” 

Even laughed, shaking his head. 

“Somehow I don’t think that’ll cut it.  The boys … they don’t believe me.  So it has to look convincing.” 

“O … kay.  So what does that mean?” 

Even flushed, for the first time looking young and vulnerable, and Isak found himself wanting to hug him.  Which was, again, the worst fucking idea he could have when you took the gigantic crush Isak was harbouring into account.  Instead, Isak forced his hands to remain firmly where they were, and they sat in uncomfortable silence for a moment.  Even’s voice was small when he finally answered. 

“Honestly, you don’t have to do it.  Not if it’s uncomfortable.” 

He looked so diminished that Isak felt awful for the momentary flutter of ‘thank god, I can get out of this’ which had coursed through him.  He shook his head. 

“No.  I .. I want to.  It’s just …”  He trailed off, unwilling to actually say the words out loud. 

“Just?” 

“I’m not … people don’t know.  That I’m … that it’s not girls I like.” 

Isak’s voice wobbled as he spoke, and he flushed, his breathing suddenly difficult again.  Even was now the second person he’d told, and the idea should be terrifying, but Isak actually felt relieved.  It was good to talk about it, for once, and it would be really ridiculous for Even to look down on him for the confession, considering _he’d_ just invented a boyfriend for himself out of spite.  Even so, Isak held his breath, staring at the ground and fearful of what the reaction would be.  

“Oh.”

There was a world of understanding in Even’s voice, and he touched Isak’s arm gently.  Isak chanced a look up at him, and saw only compassion in his face.  Isak gave a slight smile, which Even reflected back to him. 

“Well, it’s mostly going to be Bakka kids, so there probably won’t be many people you know there,” Even said.  “If that helps?” 

Isak let out his breath in a long, slow exhale while he tried to think.  Because, sure that sounded good, in theory.  But it’s not like these parties were exclusive, and Nissen people were always getting in somehow.  His heart clenched in fear again when he thought about maybe having to act in a loving way towards Even somewhere where people he knew could see them.  But there was also a tiny part of him that was fucking delighted.  It really wanted to get its hands on Even, and figured this was the perfect opportunity.  That part of Isak was _really_ not helping.  Forcing that side of him out of his mind, Isak turned to Even again, and smiled.  

“It … it does help, yeah.  A bit anyway.”  He took another breath to steady himself.  “So when you say convincing, what do you mean?”

“We’ll have to hold each other, a bit at least.  Like this maybe …” and Even demonstrated by slinging his arm around Isak’s shoulder and then dropping it to his waist to give him a squeeze.  Isak’s heart sped up alarmingly, and he took a shaky breath in, trying not to react to the flood of heat that raced through his body.  Even noticed his discomfort and dropped his arm again with a grimace that almost looked like sadness.  Isak tried not to miss the feeling of that arm so casually on his body, but he felt empty.  Which, he told himself viciously, was fucking ridiculous  _ so pull your head in, Isak Valtersen _ .  His body refused to listen.

Even, who didn’t seem to notice Isak’s inner battle, added, “we can say you don’t like PDA, so we won’t have to … uh … have to kiss or anything.”

Even more ridiculous than the emptiness when Even dropped his arm was the slight pang of disappointment as Even said those words.  That was, after all, what Isak had been so fucking scared of just moments ago.  Even was being considerate of his feelings, and Isak was feeling … what?  Grumpy?  Bitter?  His stupid crush was already getting in the way, and they’d barely even got started on this thing. 

“Oh.  Okay.  That’s … that’s good.” 

They lapsed into silence for a few moments, both lost in their own thoughts.  It was actually really nice, Isak realised.  He could see this happening into the future because he was actually comfortable right now.  It was surprisingly easy just hanging out with Even.  It was a pity that this really was just for one night, when this friendship -- or whatever you wanted to call it -- had so much promise.  He liked spending time with Even, and wanted to continue. 

“How did we meet?”

Even’s words cut into Isak’s thoughts, confusing him.  They’d met at the cafe, of course.  He squinted at Even suspiciously. 

“What?” 

“For the backstory?  Every good act must have a backstory.  How did we meet and get together?” 

Oh right.  The story.  The fake date.  The fake date that was going to happen tomorrow and probably kill Isak.  That story. 

“Um … I saw you at school and I kind of … I dunno, we got talking one day and that was it.” 

Even stared at him incredulously, disdain written all over his face and Isak blushed.  Actually blushed, which … fuck his stupid face that showed everything.  Isak felt himself fast losing control of this situation, which did not bode well for whatever happened tomorrow night. 

“That was it?  Isak, come on.  We’re far more epic than that.” 

Even’s eyes were crinkling in the way that Isak already recognised as his ‘passionate and involved’ expression.  And that was a thought that really freaked him out -- if he already knew Even’s expressions well enough to categorise them, then he really was fucked.  Isak squinted up at him again.  “Epic?” 

“Yeah.  It has to be a great love story, right?” 

“Are you sure?  You want them to believe you, right?”

Even’s face fell for a brief moment as he considered this, before brightening again. 

“You’re right.  Hmmmm.  Maybe … we could go with the truth.”   

“What, that you dumped tea all over me?” 

“Rude.”  Even laughed, pushing Isak.  “You helped dump it.  But yes.  Tea was dumped, we went to the bathroom, tissues were used, hoodies exchanged and a romance for the ages was forged.” 

Isak rolled his eyes.  “God, even in something so simple you’re a dramatic fuck.” 

“But it works, right?” 

“Yeah, it works,” Isak conceded, unable to contain the smile that was spreading over his face.  Despite his worries, Even’s enthusiasm was contagious. 

Even glanced at his watch, then sighed.  “I think school’s over now.  We should head back.” 

“Okay.” 

They made their way back to the school in silence, but that didn’t stop Isak’s thoughts from racing.  He was really doing this.  He was going to go to a fucking party with third years from Bakka, and people who’d left school, and he was going to pretend to be someone’s boyfriend.  A guy’s boyfriend.  It was as terrifying as it was exhilarating, and the thumping of his heart was at once unpleasant and thrilling.  But when he pushed that aside, he realised he wanted to do it.  He wanted to know what it would be like to be with a guy in such a non-threatening situation.  The only problem was just how much he cared about _this_ guy.  Isak was really worried by how badly this could go wrong for him, emotionally.  

So, as soon as Even had said goodbye and told Isak he’d see him tomorrow, Isak texted Jonas in a panic.

_ Fuck.  Jonas I’m fucked.  Help _

_Woah.  What’s up buddy?_  

_I just did the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my life and I need you to save me_  

_ That sounds like you _

_ Fuck off.  Asshole.  Just meet me at home okay _

By the time Jonas arrived, Isak was shaking.  What the fuck was he thinking?  Now that Even wasn’t there anymore casting whatever calming magic he did over everything, Isak was regretting all his life choices.  Only the memory of Even’s face, closed in and sad, when he’d been talking about his friends stopped Isak from backing out of the agreement.  

“Okay what’s this big problem I have to save you from?” Jonas asked, clearly worried about Isak. 

“I met a guy.” 

Jonas’s worried expression smoothed out into a smirk.  “What?  Oh no, that’s terrible.  Call the police.” 

While sarcasm was their usual mode of conversation, Isak was unimpressed today.  This was too big, and too scary, to be treated like some stupid joke. 

“Shut up, Jonas.  You’re not helping.”  Isak took a shuddering breath, and groaned.  “I … kind of agreed to fake date him tomorrow.” 

Jonas looked at him in consternation, unsure why their usual banter was being treated this way.  “I’m still not seeing the problem.” 

“The problem is that he’s super fucking hot, super fucking touchy feely and I’m super not out to everyone yet.” 

“Oh.  Oh yeah … that  _ is _ a problem.”

“Yuh.”

Jonas sat down on Isak’s bed, and pulled on his arm until he sat next to him. 

“Okay, damage control,” he said, looking thoughtful.  “Where are you going?” 

“To a Bakka party,” Isak groaned.  The memory of the last Bakka party they’d attended was still vivid in his mind.  It had been wild, filled with people, and half of Nissen had also turned up.  It was no place to be keeping a low profile. 

Echoing his thoughts, Jonas said, “hmm, not exactly low key.” 

“Nope, not at all.  I just … I need the others to not know.  So you could maybe keep them distracted?  Is there some other party you guys can go to?  Anything?” 

Isak could feel the tension ramping up in his body again, and he tried to relax.  All he managed, however, was to unclench his fists enough that his knuckles were merely red and not white -- the rest of his body remained as tense as ever.  Jonas patted his arm again. 

“Look, it’ll be okay, Isak.  I’ll find something.  And honestly, I don’t think the world would end if you do get seen.” 

“But … I don’t want people to know …” 

“Look.  So what if you like guys?  If it changes what people think then fuck them.  You’ll always have me, and I’m sure the others will be fine too.  You shouldn’t be ashamed of who you like.  Particularly not when this one sounds like a catch.” 

“He is.”  Isak couldn’t keep the grin off his face when he spoke about Even.  “He’s in third year, he’s tall and … fuck, Jonas.  He’s gorgeous.” 

Isak smiled at his hands as he remembered Even and his gorgeous smile and beautiful laugh. 

“Wow.”  Jonas laughed softly, making Isak look at him quickly. 

“‘Wow’ what?” 

“You sound just like Magnus, only with guys not girls.  I never thought I’d see the day.” 

“Oh, shut up.  I admit it; I like him, and that’s half the problem.  Being his fake boyfriend is going to be hard as hell.  I may not survive.” 

“If you stop being a dramatic asshole for just one second, I think you’ll realise that you won’t die, and you may even enjoy yourself.” 

“That’s what I’m worried about!  What if I enjoy it and I like him even more and then I never speak to him again because he thinks I’m a creep?” 

Isak threw himself backwards on his bed in frustration.  But he couldn’t deny that he was feeling slightly less scared.  Jonas was right -- it was only one night, after all, and it was a good excuse to spend some time with Even.  If that fucked with Isak’s wellbeing and emotional security, then … he’d deal with that later.  Jonas echoed those thoughts. 

“Well, if that happens, you chalk it up to experience and go on and find some other hot, wonderful guy.  It’ll be fine, Isak.  You’ll be fine.”

 

 

Jonas’s reassurances were enough to hold Isak together all the way to the moment when he was approaching the party with Even.  By the time they were a block away, however, Isak was shaking.  He felt sick, and all the reasons why this was a terrible idea were flooding back.  He stumbled to a halt, sucking in air in a way that he recognised as being close to panic. 

Even looked at him in concern, and raised his eyebrow.

Isak looked at him, and swallowed, anxiety coursing through him.  “Sorry.  I’m sorry; I don’t know what’s got into me.”

“Hey.  Hey, it’s okay.  You don’t have to do this.  I’m the one who got myself into this; I can be the one to face the consequences.”

“No,” Isak blew a shaky breath out and squared his shoulders.  He’d agreed to this and he wasn’t about to let Even down.  There may be no future in this hopeless crush Isak had on the guy, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t doing his best to make a good impression.  Backing out now would be the opposite of helpful.  “I can do this.  It’s fine.” 

“Here …” Even said, holding out his hand.  Isak took it, and as stupid as it seemed, he felt better with the solid warmth of Even’s palm against his, anchoring him.  He let out another breath, less shaky this time, and smiled. 

“Thanks.” 

“No, thank you.  Honestly.  I’m unbelievably grateful you’re doing this.  And whenever it gets too much we can leave.  Okay?” 

Isak took a deep breath to steady himself.  “Okay.” 

Even’s hand in his settled Isak enough that by the time they were knocking on the door, he felt reasonably comfortable.  As the door opened, Even turned to him and whispered, “you good?” 

“I’m good.” 

Isak smiled at him, and Even brushed a lock of hair behind his ear.  Heat trailed across Isak’s skin along with the gentle fingers, and Isak gasped.  The look in Even’s eyes was unmistakably fond now, and Isak had to drag his eyes away, swallowing. 

“Even!  I didn’t think you’d really come.” 

The voice pulled their attention to the now-open door, and the guy standing framed there.  He was fucking gorgeous was Isak’s first thought.  His second was that there was no reason for him to be looking, or sounding, so grumpy.  They’d literally just arrived; surely that wasn’t enough time to piss this guy off? 

“Mikael, hi.  This is Isak.  My boyfriend.” 

Even squeezed Isak’s hand as he grinned at the other guy.  Isak smiled, and held his hand out.  Mikael shook it, but looked at Even the whole time. 

“Talked someone into faking for you then, did you?”

Even’s face fell and Isak felt suddenly protective.  In his blind panic he’d forgotten that Even was doing this because he had some sort of complicated thing with these people, and that Isak’s own fears about being found out were actually irrelevant right now.  Scowling, Isak drew himself up to his full height. He dropped Even’s hand and wound his arm around his waist instead. 

“You think no one could want Even, is that it?” 

Mikael’s eyes looked them over slowly and Isak could feel his smile becoming stiff.  Not because he was worried about being fake.   No, Isak’s smile was stiff because he couldn’t bear the way this Mikael guy was looking at Even as if it was obvious there was something wrong with him.  On the contrary, Isak could feel every inch of Even’s body where it was pressed against his own, and he could feel the way he was melting into the touch.  Any other time, Isak would be fucking livid with himself for being this easy to affect, but right now it seemed like Even needed that touch as much as Isak wanted to give it, so he let himself tuck in closer to Even, and let the soppiest look creep onto his face as he looked up at him.  

Mikael’s face twisted into something resembling a smile, but there was no warmth behind it.  He appeared almost sneering as he said, “no, I’m sure you do like him.  Just be careful, right?  He’s shit at telling the truth.” 

Beside Isak, Even tensed and Isak rubbed his thumb comfortingly across Even’s hip; it was a mindless action, because it seemed like Even needed it, but even so it made Isak’s blood race.  He was going to be so fucked if he kept this up, and if Even kept looking at him like _that,_ as if he’d solved all his problems once again.  But right now, Isak’s emotional fuckitude was unimportant next to Even’s need to protect himself against whatever issue this guy had with him.    

“Good to see you, too, Mikael,” Even said, keeping his voice even and controlled as he pressed forward to get into the house, though Isak could tell the effort it was costing him to remain as neutral as he did.  Mikael stepped back and let them enter, but his eyes never left Even’s face and Isak could feel the tension that was still in Even’s body. 

Once they were inside and out of Mikael’s line of sight, Isak steered Even towards a wall, in a corner which was mostly out of the way of people.  Even collapsed against it, shuddering.  Isak looked at him in concern, but he shook his head when Isak asked if there was anything he could do.  Eventually, he looked at Isak and smiled wanly. 

“That went well.” 

Isak laughed, relieved that Even could joke while still feeling so obviously upset.  He touched Even’s arm gently. 

“What’s his deal?  Why try to put me off you?” 

“Oh, it’s a long and complicated story.  But the basics are that we were friends, me and those guys.  Maybe we still are, I don’t know.  Anyway, I said and did some stupid shit before transferring and Mikael bore the brunt of that.  Well, him and Sonja.” 

“Your girlfriend?” 

“My ex, yeah.  It’s …” he took a breath and looked away, his lip wobbling in a way that said he was trying very hard not to show any emotion.  “Can we not talk about this?  I’d rather just try to have some fun?”

Shrugging, Isak nodded and took Even’s hand again.  Even squeezed it once, then tugged Isak until he followed him into the kitchen.  There, Even put the beer they’d brought into the fridge and then sighed. 

“I guess we’d better go face the hordes.” 

Isak brushed his fingers over Even’s cheekbone gently, and allowed himself to savour the way Even’s eyes fluttered closed at the touch.  “It’ll be okay.  I’m here and I’m like the master at being a boyfriend, so we’re going to rule this place.” 

It had the desired effect of making Even laugh, and he left the room with a smile on his face. 

The next few hours actually flew by.  Even talked and laughed with several people he seemed to know, and most of them were much more excited to see him than Mikael had been.  Two of them, Yousef and Elias, slapped Even on the back in delight as they hugged, and seemed genuinely happy to meet Isak.  Their enthusiasm almost made up for the glowers Mikael still sent the two of them whenever he spotted them.   

Through it all, Isak remained tucked into Even’s side, either holding hands or with an arm slung casually across a shoulder or around a waist.  There were occasional brushes of hands on skin, and every time Isak would have to remind himself that this was all a show.  An act.  That he wasn’t really Even’s boyfriend and that come tomorrow they’d go back to being acquaintances, and Isak would have to nurse his goddam crush from afar again.   

Late into the evening, when Isak was pretty happily buzzed from the beers he’d had, he found himself sitting next to Even on a couch.  They could be accused of snuggling together, in fact, and Isak was relaxed enough to lean his head against Even’s shoulder and sigh in contentment.  Even though this was the worst fucking idea in the world, Isak went with it.  For the act. 

“This is nice,” he said slowly.  “I was worried about coming here with all these people, but it’s been good.” 

“Good.  I’m glad you enjoyed it.” 

Even slid his arm around Isak’s shoulders and looked down at him.  Isak’s breath caught in his throat when he saw the look in his eyes, but just as he was about to say something he might regret, Mikael joined them.  He sat down on the other side of Even and thumped him on the arm. 

“Even, mate,” he slurred.  “You’re never around anymore.  Why’s that?”

Even shrugged.  “Been busy.” 

“You always say that,” Mikael complained.   

“Okay, then.  I didn’t think you’d really want to see me.  Not after …” 

“Oh, that?  No.  It’s not a thing.  You should hang out again, be like old times.”

Even snorted, clearly disbelieving, and after Mikael’s antics when they arrived, Isak didn’t blame him.  He wasn’t sure how someone could go from the disdain Mikael had shown at the start of the night to this effusive desperation to see Even, not even when you factored in the alcohol that was quite clearly impairing his judgement.

“Even with my gorgeous new boyfriend?”

Mikael looked at Isak, appraising him in an obviously drunken way.  “Even with him, yeah.” 

Even brushed his lips over Isak’s cheek, letting his eyes roam all over Isak’s face.  The look in Even’s eyes made Isak’s cheeks heat up and his heart thump.   _He doesn’t mean it, remember?  This is what we were talking about yesterday. Don’t get your hopes up.  Be cool, Isak._  Isak’s internal voice kept trying to warn him, but another part of Isak was so fucking deep into his crush that he let himself revel in the touch, just a little.  He stared at Even probably longer than he should, but he told himself that’s how a boyfriend would look and so it was okay.  It was for the act, after all.  He had to make it look good, particularly in front of Even’s friends.  Even turned back to Mikael finally.  

“Well, maybe.  If Isak wants to.”   

Isak could hear the dismissal in Even’s tone, even if Mikael couldn’t.  Mikael grinned, slapped Even’s back sloppily and then bounced off to talk to someone else.   

“Come on, baby,” Even whispered against Isak’s hair.  “We should go home.” 

Home.  Isak smiled.  It was almost over, and they’d managed to get away with it.  No-one had questioned that they were boyfriends -- well, not since Mikael anyway, and even he seemed to have come around.  Just as Isak was letting out a relieved sigh and standing up, holding onto Even’s hand and looking at him in a way that he knew probably looked extremely infatuated, he heard a voice behind him that made him freeze.   

“Isak?” 

An icy hand clenched his heart as he turned around. 

“Isak? Is that you?”

Fuck.  Vilde.   She was the last person Isak wanted or needed to see here tonight.  Vilde was looking both excited and fascinated to see him, her eyes glued to the spot where his fingers tangled together with Even’s.  Startled, Isak dropped Even’s hand, but it was too late; the damage had already been done.   Isak was fucked -- there was no way that he was going to be able to hide this foray into fake dating from the rest of Nissen now.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been going so well.  Isak had snuggled Even; actually he’d tucked himself into Even’s side as if he wanted to stay there forever, and that idea had done _something_ to Even’s serenity.  He wasn’t even going to speculate what that something was, because he was pretty sure he wouldn’t like the answer.  Even had spent the night torn between his desire to act like the best boyfriend the world had ever seen, and his desperation to hide just exactly how much being with Isak affected him.  That affection had bled into his actions, however, more often than Even had intended.  He knew his emotions were pouring out of him through the touches and the glances he was showering on Isak.  However, he’d consoled himself with the idea that Isak would see it as all part of the act, and that had seemed to be the case.  Isak certainly wasn’t running away from him, not since the freak out he’d had on the way.  

That changed, though, when they were about to leave.  Isak had been happy, laughing, leaning into Even’s touches.  The touches he hadn’t been able to mask behind the act, but which Isak had thankfully not recognised as the declarations of interest they so plainly were.  It had almost felt like this fake date was the real thing, and Even had allowed himself some small measure of hope that one day it could become real.  He’d allowed himself to dream of a future, for a few short moments, even allowed himself to drop a ‘baby’ into the conversation, and Isak hadn’t shied away from it.  It had all felt promising.  Then some girl started talking behind them, and Isak’s body had tensed.  Their linked hands were dropped, and the look on Isak’s face spoke volumes.

“Vilde?” he said, his voice shaky and nervous and his eyes wide with fear. 

Even desperately wanted to help Isak, to hold him and give him comfort somehow, but he knew that right now that was probably not a good idea.  Isak clearly wanted to keep this meeting as low key as possible.  Despite his obvious distress (and was it obvious to anyone else, or was Even just far too attuned to Isak’s moods already?), he had set his shoulders in a way that suggested he was about to try to get out of this situation through sheer bravado.

“It is you!” the girl said cheerfully.  “Isn’t this cosy?” 

She cast a curious glance between them, and Isak’s face, which had been flushed red, turned sickly green. 

“We were just leaving,” Isak said.  “Right, Even?” 

“Sure, yes.  Let’s go.”  He smiled at the girl as benignly as he could.  “It was nice to meet you.” 

“Yes, it was.”

As they left, Even chanced a glance behind him.  The girl was still staring after them with an interested look on her face and a glint in her eye.  They had barely made their way outside and around the corner before Isak groaned and covered his face with his hands. 

“I’m so fucked!!  I’m so  _ fucked _ .”

Even pulled him over to a bench in a small park nearby and made him sit down.  Isak was shaking and his breath was coming in short bursts.  He was still muttering, “I’m so fucked” under his breath, so Even rubbed his arm in a way he hoped would seem comforting, and asked, “why?  I thought you handled it well.” 

Isak groaned before answering, and his voice was shaking when he did. 

“You don’t know Vilde.  It’ll be all over school by Monday that I was holding your hand.  And she’ll ask about it -- she’s probably doing that right now -- and those guys will tell her I’m your boyfriend and … oh _god_ , it’s going to be so bad.” 

Even could hear the barely suppressed panic in Isak’s voice and his heart ached.  He tried running his hand over Isak’s back, but withdrew it when Isak tensed under the touch.  Even smiled instead, trying to sooth Isak’s worries.

“Isak.  Isak, relax.  You don’t know this.  And if it happens we’ll deal with it, okay?” 

Isak took a shaky breath and turned to Even with a glimmer of hope in his eyes. 

“Deal with it?  How?” 

“I don’t know … lie or something.  Or even tell the truth.” 

“The truth?”  The hope was dimming; this was clearly not the brilliant plan Isak had hoped for. 

“That it’s all fake.  I can convince her.”

Isak shook his head, looking down at his clenched hands again.  His voice was small when he whispered, “but won’t that … won’t that affect you and those guys?”

Even shrugged.  “Yeah.  But that’s not as important right now as you.” 

Isak flushed, looking at him defiantly.  “No, that’s not fair.  I don’t want this to make things worse for you.  I said I’d do it.  I knew this could happen.  I’ll … I’ll just have to deal with it.” 

Even couldn’t help but smile at that; it seemed they were just as stubborn as each other.  He looked at Isak, and it was clear in the set of his chin and shoulders that he was going to argue if Even tried to push it.  He shrugged again.

“Okay.  Then we lie.  We wait and see what happens on Monday and then we come up with a plan.  Okay?”

Isak nodded, his breath still alarmingly speedy, but seeming less panicked now.

They made their way back towards Isak’s home, but unfortunately the easy camaraderie they’d enjoyed earlier was now gone.  Isak’s obvious tension hovered over them and weighed down any lingering happiness Even had felt while at the party.  Any remaining wonder he’d had about how Isak might feel about him had been unceremoniously destroyed by the intervention of Vilde.  The horror Isak had expressed at the idea of people thinking he was Even’s boyfriend had made his feelings disturbingly clear.  Even had been deluding himself that there was anything other than acting in Isak’s actions that evening.

So, all that remained now was to help Isak get through the next few days and then decide whether it would be better to be Isak’s friend and never be able to have him, or to leave him entirely alone in hopes that Even’s stupid crush thing would disappear.  Neither prospect appealed, so Even decided deflection was the better part of valour, and put the idea aside in order to focus on getting Isak through the next few days.

 

 

 

_ Hey. How’d it go last night? _

 

_ It was awful, Sana. _

 

_ Somehow I doubt that.  You overdramatising again? _

 

_ No.  Someone called Vilde saw and Isak’s freaking out _

 

_ Oh shit _

 

_????  You know her? _

 

_ Yes.  You’re right, that is awful. _

 

_ You were supposed to make me feel better! _

 

_ Come over here then and we’ll figure it out _

 

It was strange to be going back to the Bakkoush house after so long.  It was particularly strange to be going over there to visit someone other than Elias.  The feeling as he walked the well known paths to their home was both so painfully familiar and so horribly alien.  On his way there, Even pondered it all.  He was fully aware that he was the one most at fault for what had happened between him and his friends, and the way Yousef and Elias had welcomed him last night suggested that a lot of the negativity he’d assumed might, in fact, be something he’d been projecting and not actually real.  Even so, it was with a great deal of trepidation that Even knocked on the door.  He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Sana’s smiling face peering around at him.  This time, thank god, her dimples were not on show.  She looked happy, but not mischievous. 

“Hey.  You want something to drink?” she asked as she wandered through to the kitchen with Even trailing in her wake.

“No, I’m fine.  But thanks.” 

She looked at him with her brows raised in amusement.  “Even, in all the time I’ve known you you’ve never turned down a drink.  Or food.  You can’t start now.”

He smiled in surprised affection, his heart swelling that she remembered that after all this time. 

“Okay, fine.  Water would be great.” 

Sana handed him a glass filled almost to the brim before sitting down and nodding at one of the chairs at the table. 

“So this fake dating thing didn’t work out the way you thought it would?”

Even gaped at her.  “How do you know it was fake?  I mean … not that it was.  Fake I mean.” 

“Please.”  Sana rolled her eyes and smiled again.  “Isak would never, ever go out with you in public if it wasn’t fake.  He’s so careful with his image.”

Even’s heart squeezed at this new confirmation that Isak probably had no interest in him.  Because, yeah, the fuckup who had to transfer was absolutely not going to be any good for someone’s image.  That would be true even if Isak were interested in boys; Even was never going to be the one anyone would choose. 

He closed his eyes briefly, then forced a smile, hoping that she wouldn’t notice his concern.  Or, better yet, that she might misread it.   “Please don’t say anything … Mikael …”

“Oh, don’t worry.  It’s not my place to tell anyone anything; that’s up to you when you decide to do it.”  She brought out the dimples finally, and Even winced, knowing he was about to be served one of her pithy barbs.  Sure enough, she smirked as she said, “but I’m not sure this is the brightest idea you’ve ever had.”

Even acknowledged the point with a shrug.  “Actually it was his idea.”

Sana’s eyebrows shot up.  “I’m shocked.  He must really like you.”

_ Not like that _ , Even told his treacherous heart which had leapt at the words.   _ She means as a friend; she made that clear earlier _ .  He nodded at her, as if this was the sort of thing he heard every day.

“Yeah.  But now it’s all fucked up because of this Vilde thing.”

“Hmmmm,” she said, tilting her head to the side to consider him.  “It’s not necessarily as bad as you think it is.” 

Even frowned in confusion.  How could this situation, which had pushed Isak away from him, not be a bad thing?   “How?  You didn’t see him; he’s really upset and worried.” 

Sana raised her brow, perfectly indicating her great disdain for his stupidity with one small motion.  Even was slightly envious of her ability.   

“I’m sure he is,” she said.  “But you like him, right?  I mean, that’s what all that crap at the cafe was about?  The flirting and the frankly embarrassing heart eyes?” 

Even felt like his blush could be seen from space, but he nodded.

“Then take it, use it.”

“Use it?”

“People will be talking at school on Monday, you can’t avoid that.  Vilde is incapable of keeping gossip like this to herself.  Isak’s right about that.” 

“I’m not seeing how this will help, Sana.” 

She sighed in frustration.  “You’re in this together now.  Whatever you do, you’re part of it.  So you get to spend time with him, and you get to do this together.  If there’s something there, this will show it.”  She shrugged.  “Well, it will if you pay attention and see what’s not being said.” 

Even smiled, allowing himself to believe for a shining moment.  But then the smile slid from his face as he remembered.  Spending time together was all very well, but Isak probably wasn’t going to be all that welcoming.  Not when Even was such a vivid reminder of what was going wrong in his life.  Not when looking at Even would scream ‘person who caused me to be outed before i was ready’ to Isak. 

“Great,” he said, feeling defeated.  “But I still have no idea what to  _ do _ .  He wants to keep up the pretence, but I don’t want to hurt him.”

Sana reached out to touch his hand briefly, the touch, as fleeting as it was, giving a small measure of comfort.  “You have a chance now, a real chance, to be honest.” 

“Honest?” 

She sat back and smiled primly.  “You know exactly what I mean, Even.  If he’s really worried about this, you can tell him about your experience.” 

Even felt the blood draining from his face, and shook his head.  “I don’t know.  That’s … a lot.  Heavy, you know.” 

The look she gave him was filled with sympathy.  “I do know.  But the thing is, you’ve been through something like this before, and you’re in a great place to help him.” 

Swallowing, Even was just about to answer when Elias walked in, and the words froze on his tongue.  Elias squinted at him in confusion. 

“Hey, Even.  What are you doing here?” 

“Oh … I was …”  Even could feel the heat rising into his cheeks as he cast around for some sort of acceptable answer. 

Sana dimpled finally, and said, “oh he’s too shy to say, but he’s collecting Isak’s Biology notes.  I borrowed them on Friday and apparently he needs them today for study.”  She pushed her chair back.  “I’ll go grab them, shall I? 

Without waiting for an answer, she winked at Even and left the room.   _ Thank you, Sana _ , Even thought as he looked down at his hands, before glancing up again.  Elias was still standing awkwardly in the doorway, and Even grimaced.

“So … um.  It was good to see you again,” he said, hoping he didn’t sound as nervous as he felt.

Elias laughed.  “It was trippy.”  He came to sit down at the table.  “Good, though.  It’s been too long.”

“Yeah it has.”  Even nodded before taking a large gulp of water to try to calm his racing pulse down a little.

“That Isak seems like a great guy,” Elias said with a small smile, inviting him with a look to open up.  

“Yeah.  Yeah he is.”  Even couldn’t stop the small smile that crept onto his face when he talked about Isak.  Thankfully, Isak himself wasn’t here to see it; Even didn’t want to show him just how foolish he was over him.  For some reason, Even felt a need to protect Isak and that whole situation from Elias, despite this being exactly the sort of moment the fake boyfriend had been invented for.  In the moment it seemed more important to shield Isak from any gossip.  So Even looked at Elias, and steeled himself before changing the subject.   “I … uh.  I’m sorry.  For everything.  You know …”

Elias shrugged, suddenly looking awkward again.  “You don’t need to apologise, bro.  I’m just glad you’re here now.” 

“No, what I did was … really shitty. 

Elias shrugged again, this time in recognition of the truth of the statement.  “Mostly to Mikael, though.  So … honestly, I don’t need an apology.”  Elias looked thoughtful for a moment.  “But I guess he might.”

Even snorted, remembering Mikael’s attitude for the first part of last night.  “I’m pretty sure he does.  I … I owe him one, I know that, but it’s hard.”

All the unspoken things were suddenly back, and the idea of facing Mikael again was daunting.  Last night had been so much more difficult than Even had expected, at least to start.  He wasn’t sure he wanted to repeat the experience, but he knew he really needed to -- if only to give himself some peace.  What had happened between him and Mikael had haunted him for long enough, scary as the thought of actually processing it,  _ talking _ about it, was.

Elias nodded, and his voice was soft when he replied.  “Yeah he’s a bit pissed, but you know, under it all he still cares.  We all do.”

Even nodded, a lump in his throat.  “I know.”

Sana came back with a sheaf of paper, and a smile on her face.  “Here you go, Even.  Go get them back to your boy; he needs the study time.” 

Even snorted.  One thing he had learned over the last week was that Isak certainly didn’t need extra study in Biology.  “Nah, he really doesn’t.  He just wants to make sure he kicks your ass,” he said with a cheerful grin.

Sana poked her tongue out at him, then said, “just remember what I said, okay.” 

Even nodded, then got up to leave.  He wasn’t ready for the arms that grabbed him and pulled him into a hug, or the whisper in his ear.  “You’ve got to keep coming around, okay bro?  Bring Isak, too.” 

Overwhelmed with the emotions coursing through him, Even just nodded against Elias’s neck and wrapped his own arms around his friend.  Even felt like he _could_ call him friend again.  It’s not that their conversation had been all that profound, but rather that Even realised he’d been distancing himself from people who didn’t want him to.  That the texts he’d avoided for so long weren’t going to bite him, that the small tendrils he was sending back into his old life were actually thriving.  That he could, maybe, be allowed some closure, as unlikely as that had seemed just a few days ago.  

“Thank you,” he said, before pulling out of the hug and slipping out the door, unwilling to let either of them see the tears which were forming in his eyes.

 

  

By Monday, Even was nervous.  He was worried that Isak would be so upset by the events of the last few days that he wouldn’t show up, or that he might actively avoid Even to escape any rumours.  For some reason that Even didn’t want to investigate in too much detail, he really wanted to see Isak.  Oh, who was he kidding; he knew _exactly_ why he wanted to see Isak, but he also knew exactly why that was a shitty idea.  Still, they had a plan to meet and work their way through the situation they now found themselves in.  

So Even squared his shoulders, and made his way to where he knew Isak’s locker was.  He stopped a distance away and observed.  Isak was standing there, back rigid and shoulders tense.  His focus was seemingly on the locker open in front of him, but the tension in his body increased every time someone came near.  The people who were walking past kept sniggering and casting looks in Isak’s direction.  Even’s temper flared; this was unfair and Isak looked so lost and alone that Even felt the need to do something to protect him. 

“Hey,” he said, coming up next to Isak, and making him start.  Even was careful to keep his distance, trying to gauge from Isak’s reaction how he should play this meeting.  “How’re things?” 

Isak shrugged, looking uncomfortable.  “It’s …” He sighed, then gave Even a beseeching look.  “People know.  Vilde’s been talking, so you know …” 

“I still say we can pretend it was nothing.” 

Isak cast him a look that was pure disdain.  “Vilde did her homework this time.  Your friends told her we’re together.”

_ We’re together _ .  Even sighed internally.  He wished those words were actually true.  “So?  We can still deny it.”

His heart squeezed again as he took note of the hope in Isak’s expression before it closed down again and he shook his head.  “No.  I don’t want to lie.  I mean …” he lowered his voice, glancing around to be sure Even was the only one who could hear him.  “Not that we’re together, because we’re not.  But that I’m … that I’m gay.” 

Even smiled gently at him.  “It’s not for anyone else to make you say, though.  Don’t feel like you have to confirm it just because some people are saying it.” 

“Well, I’m not happy.” Isak pursed his lips in memory of something, then frowned.  “But maybe it is time to stop hiding it.  Jonas keeps saying maybe it wouldn’t be terrible if people know, you know?” 

But there was a bravado in Isak’s expression that belied his confidence.  His mouth was wobbling a little, and his body was still tense.  Unwilling to make things worse when he still wasn’t sure if this was a great idea, Even hovered, making sure he was at least a foot away from Isak.  He could see the curious glances they were getting from people passing by, and Even leaned back against the lockers as casually as he could in order to cut down on the rumour mill.

“You want to get out of here?” 

“Huh?”

“Look, I don’t think today’s going to be all that great here.  So why don’t we go somewhere and make a plan.”

Isak looked conflicted, but then he froze as he heard a voice in the distance.  “Vilde,” he whispered fiercely.  “Okay, let’s go.  I might kill her if I see her.”

They made their escape, and Even’s treacherous body couldn’t help but react to the proximity of Isak’s.  No amount of sternly telling himself that he was here to be Isak’s friend, and couldn’t expect anything else, could stop the way his heart raced whenever Isak glanced up at him shyly, or the way his skin tingled whenever there was an accidental brush of fingers on an arm.  Even tried to keep his distance while they walked, but it seemed like his feet had a will of their own and he kept finding himself brushing close against Isak again after a few short moments.  The way Isak tensed whenever they happened to touch was an unwelcome reminder that Even was going to have to reel in his intrusive thoughts before they got out of hand and possibly got him into trouble. 

Eventually, they reached the same spot they’d been when they talked on the first day, and Even stopped looking over at Isak with a wink and a smile.

“What do you think?”

“Huh?”  Isak appeared startled, clearly having been lost somewhere in his own thoughts. 

“Shall we make this our ‘talking it all out’ spot?” 

Isak looked around then huffed out a laugh.  “Sure, I guess.”  He climbed up onto the back of the bench they’d been on, and looked at Even inquiringly. 

Suddenly shy, Even perched next to him, careful to keep a respectable distance between them.  He pulled out a joint, lit it and offered it to isak, who accepted eagerly.  They sat there for several long minutes sharing the space along with the dwindling weed.  Minutes which just made Even feel sadder -- they were comfortable together, and it had been a long time since he’d felt like that.  With Sonja, they had started out with fire and passion and raging hormones, but it had eventually quieted down into some sort of settled domesticity.  The passion had been bright and intense, and the domesticity pleasant and comforting.  But there had never been this -- this sense that Even could sit there with someone and just _be,_ with no pressure to talk or do anything.  He had to remind himself yet again that Isak wasn’t feeling the same way and that he had to keep a lid on the way he was feeling.  

Soon enough, and probably just in time to prevent Even from making a desperate ass of himself, Isak spoke.  “So, what’s the plan?” 

The gaze he turned on Even was so filled with trust that Even felt his breath catch.  How the fuck was he supposed to deal with that?  He didn’t have any answers, just ways to minimise the fallout of any fuckup that happened to come along.  That had, after all, been his role in the past.  Even didn’t think ‘drop everything and everyone and run away’ was exactly the best advice in this situation. 

He shrugged, smirking.  “No idea.  Thought we could wing it.” 

That drew a reluctant smile from Isak.  “I’m not great at winging things.” 

“Hey.  I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit.  You did great on Friday night.” 

“Not great enough,” Isak said, his voice filled with bitterness.  “Vilde still spread rumours everywhere.” 

“Yeah she did, and we can’t help that.  All we can do is react to it.” 

Isak nodded sadly, his eyes fixed on some point in the far distance.  Even guessed he was thinking through everything that could possibly fall out from the situation in which he found himself.  It was a little scary just how easily Even was able to read Isak, even after this short a time. 

The silence between them was becoming uncomfortable, so Even stepped in again.  “Let’s go through it, okay?  The things that we could do and the things that might happen if we do?” 

Isak’s shoulders relaxed visibly, and Even couldn’t help but let out an aggrieved sigh.  He was infuriated at himself for knowing that this was exactly what Isak had needed to hear.  It was imperative that he get a grip on himself, otherwise the fallout for his emotions once this whole thing was over would probably destroy him. 

“Okay, sure,” Isak said.  “Where do we start?” 

“How about, with the worst case scenario from your point of view: we play out the charade.  Totally get into it: making out in random classrooms, never taking our hands off each other, going full-on boyfriend mode.  Then we stage a messy breakup complete with screaming and ‘I hate you forever’ and then storm off to wallow in our own separate tragedies.” 

Isak laughed, finally sounding free and unfettered.  “You really are a dramatic fuck.” 

Even bowed, allowing his fondness to creep into his expression as he looked at Isak.  “At your service.  But seriously.  It wouldn’t be that bad, right?  Bit of gossip for a few days and then we’d be done.”

“I just don’t know …” Isak sighed, his laughter trailing off.  “I know Jonas thinks it’d be fine and people wouldn’t care, but … but I don’t want to be forced into it.” 

“I get that.  So what would you prefer?” 

“Keep it lowkey?  Maybe … I don’t know.  I won’t deny anything.  Like I said, I don’t want to lie.  Being fake … it’s got me in trouble in the past.  I just … just don’t want to give anyone the satisfaction, you know?” 

“What satisfaction?”

“Outing the gay guy.  Like it’s some sort of joke.”  He looked down at his hands as he spoke, and there was a wobble in his voice that betrayed how much this was affecting him. 

Even swallowed, consumed again by his need to protect this boy.   “Hey, Isak,” he said softly.  “Look at me.” 

Isak looked up then, his eyes filled with tears he was trying to blink away, and Even’s heart constricted.  “It’s not a joke, okay?” Even said.  “Whatever you decide, that’s up to you … but it’s never a joke.”

Even tried to pour as much sincerity as he could into his face.  He needed Isak to know this, and understand.  Isak swallowed and nodded, one tear slipping out, which he viciously swiped away. 

“I know.  I know it’s not.  But it’s hard.” 

“Yeah it is.  But it gets easier.” 

“You … that sounds like you’ve been there.”

Even sighed, and nodded.  He could hear Sana in his head admonishing him to tell Isak, but he couldn’t do it.  Not the big stuff, the stuff that had made his life really fall to pieces, anyway.  Apart from anything else, that wasn’t going to be very helpful right now.  But there was one bit, something he could tell without moving into territory that was still too painful to acknowledge. 

“Yeah.  Yeah, I have,” he said gently.  “There was a time when I was outed against my will, too.  Not the same … not even close to the same, really.  But it wasn’t easy.” 

“What did you do?”  The curiosity in Isak’s voice should have felt intrusive -- whenever anyone else had asked that question, Even had felt invaded and defensive.  But all he felt now was sadness. 

“I … I just pushed through it.  In hindsight, I wish I’d talked about it with my friends -- that was the beginning of the end with them, really.  But I didn’t.  I tried to do it on my own, because I was ashamed and embarrassed.” 

“Being alone sucks,” Isak said, his voice so soft Even almost didn’t catch it. 

“It does, but you’re not alone.  I’m here, and I’ll do whatever you want me to.  So you have that.” 

Isak nodded.  He squinted up at Even.  “So you’re gay?” 

Even laughed, a brief puff of amusement.  “No.  I’m pansexual.”  Isak squinted in a way that suggested Even had just confused him, and Even laughed again, more heartily this time.  “You have no idea what that is, do you?” 

“I do!  I’m just … surprised.”  Isak was blushing, though, in a way that belied his words. 

Taking pity on him, Even said, “To me, it means I don’t really care who I’m with so long as I like them as a person.” 

“Oh.”  Isak thought for a moment.  “That’s definitely not me.  I like lots of girls, but … not in a way where I want to kiss them.”   

The look he gave Even then made his insides melt.  It wasn’t fair what those eyelashes did to his composure, Even thought grumpily, particularly when there seemed to be more than just friendship in the look … at least in context of this discussion about kissing.  Even shook himself out of it quickly, trying to keep up with the flow of the conversation. 

“That’s fair.  I like lots of girls and guys like that too.  But there are some people who come along sometimes, and I _do_ want to kiss them.” _Including you_ , he wanted to say, but didn’t.   _I’d love to kiss you til you’re breathless._  

Isak wrinkled his nose.  “Yeah.  I guess, there are guys I really don’t want to kiss either.  Magnus …”  He shuddered at the thought, and Even laughed. 

They sat in silence again for a few moments, before Even glanced at his watch and winced.  It was almost time they got back to school.

He said as much, before adding, “do we even have a plan yet?” 

“I don’t think so.” 

“So we’re winging it?” 

Isak laughed.  “No!  We’ll just … we keep on as before, yeah?  You still need the cover, right?”  he waited for Even’s acknowledgement before continuing.  “So, if people ask we say yes we’re together, but … hopefully they don’t ask.”  He shrugged.   

“It’s not ideal,” Even said. 

“No, it’s not.  But it’s what we’ve got.”

“Do we spend time together?  In school I mean?” 

“I guess so?”  Isak looked torn, the question clearly audible in his tone.  “I mean, if we were together we’d be seen together, right?” 

“Yeah.  But we can … we can keep it lowkey.  Like saying we don’t like PDA, right?”  Isak’s vibrant smile was enough to light Even up, and he beamed back.  “So, we’re sorted?” 

“We’re sorted.”  Isak nodded, satisfied, looking much more relaxed than he had when they’d left the school earlier.

They walked back in silence again, and Even’s thoughts were racing.  He wondered if there was anything in the glance that Isak had given him when he’d mentioned kissing.  It was probably too much to hope for, but there was no harm in Even being as charming as he could, just in case.  After all, he knew Isak was definitely gay now.  That meant that Even had a chance, however slim, and any overly obvious signs of affection could be hidden within the confines of the act.  And even though he knew he was too much of a fuckup to really have anything to offer, Even still hoped that maybe, one day, Isak could possibly like him too.  As unlikely as that possibility was, Even couldn’t help it if he was enough of an incurable romantic to hope.


	4. Chapter 4

This whole thing had been the worst fucking idea, and yet Isak was unable to regret it.  Sure, his life was in ruins at his feet, Vilde had told the world he and Even were together, and Isak was more hopelessly in love with Even than ever.  But hey.  At least he’d managed to have actual conversations with Even and interact on some level.  That totally made up for all the shit that was currently swirling around Isak. 

He sighed heavily.  The problem was … the problem was, that kind of _did_ make up for it all.  No matter how much he tried to sarcasm himself into believing he was a fucking idiot for not backing out when he’d been given the chance, Isak couldn’t make it stick  The one thing that was shining in the midst of the terror Isak felt whenever he thought about the consequences of Vilde talking, was Even.  Even, with his soft voice and his understanding.  Even, who somehow knew exactly how to reframe everything in a way that made Isak feel better even though there was no easy solution to the problem.  Even, who was so fucking gorgeous that Isak had trouble concentrating when he was near.  

Isak somehow made it through the rest of Monday with something of his dignity intact.  People looked, stared even, and every time it made Isak’s insides freeze and his breath come in quick short bursts.  But whenever it got too hard, there Even was.  He met Isak and his friends for break times and somehow managed to be there between lessons whenever the stares and whispers became too much. 

If Isak didn’t know better, he’d think Even was really his boyfriend.  The way he just seemed to know exactly when Isak needed some reassurance or some support was very boyfriendy.  Or what Isak imagined boyfriend behaviour might look if he’d ever experienced it.  So maybe he was just projecting.  No, he  _ was _ projecting -- imagining what a boyfriend might be like if he had one.  It was … it was so  _ nice, _ the dream of this boy who would be with Isak and care for him.  So the idea that this was all part of the act twisted something in Isak’s heart.  It was so easy when he saw Even standing somewhere nearby, with his fond smile and eyes crinkling in amusement, for Isak’s heart to leap and for his own fondness to bleed into the smile he gave back.  If this was real, Isak could honestly see himself very happy with this arrangement.  And that was a thought that really needed to fuck right off, because it was far too dangerous.

 

The end of the day crept up eventually, and Isak let out a relieved breath.  No-one had approached him directly to ask about the gossip, and on one hand that was really fucking _rude_ \-- in which universe was it okay to accept gossip without checking your damn sources?  But on the other hand … it meant that Isak didn’t have to lie.  He ran a hand through his hair as he made his way to his locker one final time before leaving.  Jonas was there, smiling at him.  

“Hey.  How was your day?” 

Isak could hear the unasked questions behind the words: _Did anyone say anything?  Do you need me to thump someone for you?  Are you okay?_  He nodded, once, to let Jonas know that he’d survived, that he’d come out the other side still intact.  Then he shrugged.  

“It was okay.  You?” 

“You know how it is.  School.”  Jonas shrugged too.  “You want to do something?” 

“I guess.” 

Jonas smirked.  “You’ll grace us with your presence then?” 

Isak rolled his eyes.  “Asshole.” 

“Come on, then.  FIFA and pizza are waiting.” 

Despite knowing that Jonas was doing this mostly because he wanted to be sure Isak was okay after the rumours swirling all day, Isak still had fun.  They played enough times for Jonas to beat him narrowly then call it a day, laughing when Isak protested.  Eventually they sat, controllers forgotten and pizza going cold in the boxes around them, with their backs against the bed.  Jonas looked over at Isak and hummed quietly while drumming his fingers on his leg. 

“Spit it out,” Isak said.  He knew Jonas, better than he’d ever known anyone else, and he knew there was something on his mind. 

“I was just wondering what you thought about today,” Jonas said.  “You haven’t said anything and that just seemed a bit weird.” 

“Oh.”  Isak looked over at Jonas, and saw the concern on his face.  “I talked to Even a bit.” 

His friend’s face lit up in a blinding grin, and he winked.  “You did?” 

“Yeah.”  Isak was confused.  “Why’s that so weird?” 

“Because you never speak to anyone, Isak.  It’s all you against the world and your computer knows best.  You talking to me is even a goddam miracle, let alone someone so new.” 

“And what’s your point?” 

“My point is that you like him.” 

Isak rolled his eyes again.  “We already knew that.  Remember Thursday?  I told you that much.” 

“No, but I don’t mean just the way he looks.  I mean you like _him_.”  

Isak shrugged, feeling uncomfortable.  Having a best friend who knew you as well as you knew him was fucking annoying sometimes.   

“None of that matters anyway.  He’s not into me, and this fake dating thing was a really bad idea.”  Isak tried to divert Jonas’s attention away from this conversation.  “Hey, you want the rest of this pizza?  I’ll go put it in the fridge if not.” 

Jonas quirked his eyebrow at Isak, pursing his lips in a way that meant he was going to come back to this later.  Isak sighed, but held his ground.  This wasn’t something he was really comfortable discussing yet, so he took the pizza and left the room.  He hoped Jonas would drop it when he returned, but unfortunately Jonas was almost as tenacious as Isak himself. 

“You need me to kill Vilde for you?” Jonas asked, looking at Isak carefully.  He was clearly trying to make absolute certain that Isak was doing fine after everything that had happened, and Isak smiled. 

“No.  If anyone’s going to do that, it’s going to be me,” he said, and laughed.  To his surprise, Isak wasn’t feeling as bad as he had earlier that day.  He still wanted to show Vilde just how much he hated what she’d done, but he didn’t feel as close to panic as he had at the start of the day. 

“But you’re okay?  With the stuff she’s said?”  Jonas was still being careful with Isak, and a brief twinge of irritation hit Isak, but it was gone almost as soon as it had arrived.  This was just his best friend being supportive, after all.  He was lucky that someone cared. 

Isak shrugged.  “No.  No, not really.  But there’s not much I can do, so I’m just going to keep doing what I did today.” 

“What?  Ignore it?” 

“Yeah, pretty much.” 

“You’re an idiot, you know that?” 

“I know.  But what else is there to do?  I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to admit it.  So ignoring it seems like the best option.” 

Jonas sighed, clearly conflicted.  “I don’t know, bro.  That seems like it’s not going to be great in the long run.  But it’s your life.”

“Yeah.  And right now I need to not think about any of that stuff.” 

Jonas gave him another long, considering look before nodding slowly.  “Okay.  More FIFA then?” 

“Sounds good.”

 

 

The next few days were excruciating, and Isak hated pretty much every moment.  Well, every moment that didn’t include Even, and Isak wasn’t even going to _start_ trying to figure out what that meant.  He knew he was fucked as far as being into Even went.  At this point, it was just a matter of living with it and dealing with the fallout.  Fallout which included stupid jokes from Magnus who thought the mere idea of Isak being into guys was hilarious, and sympathetic looks and meaningful glances from Jonas.  Both things were really fucking irritating, and Isak was desperate to get his life back to some semblance of normal.  Instead, Isak could feel himself boiling with barely suppressed anger every time someone said or did anything which got under his skin … which was pretty much everyone and pretty much all the time.  

The only person who seemed to calm him at all was Even.  His mere presence made Isak feel less at sea, less stressed, less like he wanted to take on the world.  In some ways, that was the most infuriating part.  Isak had been pining over Even for weeks now, ever since he’d spotted him in the cafeteria one day looking ridiculously hot and laughing in a way that had flipped Isak’s stomach and turned it into knots inside him.  He’d spent so long telling himself that this fucking glorious boy couldn’t possibly be either as amazing as Isak had imagined him or into boys.  Which meant that now Isak knew Even was exactly as amazing as he’d pictured _and_ that he was pansexual … well, Isak’s head had started fucking with him.  It would be so much easier if Even were some sort of asshole who Isak could just get over in peace.  

Unfortunately he wasn’t, and if Isak didn’t know better he’d think Even had turned up the charm, too, just to really screw with his peace of mind.  One lunchtime, Isak found himself alone in the cafeteria, the boys nowhere in sight yet, and Isak was feeling a little on edge and alone.  The stares were bad, open and mocking him at every corner, and as much as he tried to pretend that it didn’t, it hurt Isak when people treated him differently.  It hurt that they saw him now as ‘the gay guy’ and an object for gossip and sly jokes.  It hurt that Isak wasn’t ‘Isak’ anymore, but had become everyone’s object of interest. 

Into this swirling mess of completely unwelcome emotions slid fucking Even Bech Nӕsheim, master of being totally cool and putting Isak at ease.  Of course he noticed immediately that Isak wasn’t feeling very happy.  Of course he did, because he was Even Bech Nӕsheim, and he was goddam perfect on top of everything else he had going for him.  Which was completely unfair, in Isak’s opinion -- you try getting over someone when they’re sitting right there being so damn perfect for you that it makes your heart ache.  You try getting over someone when they’re charming and _so_ freaking considerate, and you know they’re into your gender.  Isak imagined his hypothetical partner in this conversation shrugging his shoulders in agreement.  It just wasn’t possible, that partner acknowledged, and no-one should expect it of Isak.  

“Hey,” Even said with a cheerful grin, as he sat in the chair next to Isak, and cast a glance at him that told Isak he knew, somehow, just how shitty his thoughts were right now.

“Hey.”  Isak would usually hide the sorts of thoughts that plagued him today behind a cocky grin and a bad joke.  But with Even he didn’t want to hide it, so he let his unhappiness bleed into his voice and saw the way Even’s face dropped slightly at the tone. 

“Bad day, huh?” 

“Yeah.  Assholes being fucking assholes.  I wish they’d just come out and say something rather than just look at me and snigger.” 

“My offer still stands, you know.” 

“Offer?” 

“To make out publicly anywhere and everywhere just to be sure people get the message.” 

Isak rolled his eyes, trying to quell the bright flush of heat that swamped him at Even’s words.  One thing that Friday night had taught him was that Isak really, _really_ desperately wanted Even’s lips on him.  Anywhere and everywhere.  So these small laughing comments of Even’s were not helping.  He was supposed to be getting over this thing, not letting himself fall even deeper. 

“I’m not sure that would help stop the rumours,” Isak said, pushing Even in mock outrage.  “Be serious.” 

“I am being serious.  Making out with you would be absolutely no hardship at all.”  He grinned lazily at Isak, then attempted a wink which fell adorably short and just made this whole kind-of-a-crush Isak had on Even get even worse.  “Besides,” Even continued, “that way the rumours would definitely be put to bed.”  He winked again, this time clearly trying to signal innuendo with his last comment, and Isak groaned. 

“You’re such an asshole.”

“Look, I know you’re still worried, but I promise it’ll blow over in a few days.  People will get bored and move on.  It’s … I know what this is like, and it’s going to get better.  You’ll see.”

There it was again -- that slightly dismissive commentary from Even on his own experiences.  It sounded like he’d been through something.  Something that had hurt him.  Isak had been consumed with curiosity for days, ever since Even had first mentioned it, but Even was an infuriatingly blank spot -- no amount of googling or facebook stalking had turned up any information.  Which was frustrating as hell when Even himself was so reticent.  Always before when Isak had tried to push him, Even would change the topic, but there was something different in his voice today.  So Isak decided to try again.

“You … uh.  You said something the other day about being outed against your will.”

“Mmmhmm, I did.”

“So ….” 

“Isak, are you trying to get me to spill my innermost secrets to you?  I think we need to be next level boyfriends before we can do that.” 

Isak scoffed.  “Next level?  What the fuck does that even mean?” 

Even leaned in closer, his breath ghosting over Isak’s neck making him shiver, and his eyes close in blissful delight.  “It means … you gotta kiss me before you can unlock those secrets.  You know you want to -- that would be two birds with one stone.”   

Even sat back and smiled at Isak in a way that suggested he was completely unaffected by whatever the hell that just was.  Isak rolled his eyes again, once more having to push away unwelcome and intrusive thoughts about exactly what kissing Even might be like.  And it felt almost like Even might be flirting, at least a little.  Which … damn that tiny bud of hope which kept refusing to die. 

“You’re insufferable,” Isak said, trying to stave off the wave of anticipation that just hearing ‘you gotta kiss me’ had given Isak, and trying to squish that hope that had surfaced.  Even Isak could hear the fondness in his voice, though, and he winced, hoping Even hadn’t noticed.  As bad as feeling this shit was, having Even guess it would be even worse. 

Apparently he hadn’t noticed, however, because when the other guys turned up soon after, Even chatted with them as if nothing odd had been said, as if nothing had fundamentally shifted Isak’s world on its axis.  As if Even hadn’t suggested, quite seriously, that they kiss, and more than once, too.  Isak shook himself out of it when Jonas asked him what the hell was wrong.  With any luck, this shit would calm down soon, Even would sort out whatever it was he needed to sort out with his friends, and Isak could go back to pining in peace.  Or relative peace, anyway.  After all, luck had been on his side so far.  The looks and giggles hadn’t blown up into any unwelcome questions yet, and hopefully they wouldn’t in the future either.

 

 

Isak’s luck ran out on Thursday.  He was standing by his locker, getting ready to head home.  He was actually feeling pretty good -- fewer people were staring today, and the stares he did get were more considering than menacing.  And _possibly_ that meant Isak had been overreacting a tiny bit that first day or so, and maybe people hadn’t been all that threatening then either.  That didn’t stop him from breathing a huge sigh of relief when he managed to make it to the end of the day yet again without having to actually tell anyone the truth.  Even had been right -- things did seem to be calming down pretty quickly.    

Allowing his breath to squeeze out between his teeth, Isak grabbed the final book he needed for his homework and shut the locker door.  Turning, he jumped as he noticed the girl standing behind him. 

“Vilde!  Shit, you scared me!” 

His heart sank and she smiled at him meaningfully.  Apparently he wasn’t going to get away with this thing after all.   

“Hi, Isak!  I’ve been wanting to talk to you.” 

Isak shook his head, trying to move past her, but for such a small person she was very forceful and refused to give him the room to move. 

“No offence, Vilde, but I really don’t want to talk to you.” 

“Oh.” Her face fell.  “Why not?” 

Incredulity flooded Isak and he gaped at her for several long seconds before speaking.  “Why not?   _Why not_?  Holy shit, are you listening to yourself?”  

Affronted, Vilde pulled herself up to her fullest height and frowned at him.  “There’s no reason to be rude, Isak.  I’m just asking a question.” 

There it was again.  The barely controlled rage that flooded Isak almost all the time since the night Vilde had seen him with Even was back.  He took several long, deep breaths before he was calm enough to say anything.  What he really wanted to do was rage at her, yell all the depths of his fear, his self-hatred, his feelings of betrayal.  But he didn’t.  He forced a calm tone he didn’t really feel, and tried to explain. 

“No, Vilde.  Fuck.  You don’t … you can’t … you fucking told the school I’m dating Even.” 

Her eyes were wide and innocent as she looked up at him.  “But that’s true, isn’t it?” 

Isak stared at her for a long moment before closing his eyes and groaning.  “That’s not actually the _point_ , Vilde.”  And there.  He’d done it -- faced down the fucking question that had haunted him for days, and he hadn’t even lied.  He didn’t think Vilde had noticed the deflection, but he was proud of it.  He could get himself out of trouble like a pro, and that was something he might possibly need to remember over the coming days.  He’d done it once; he could do it again. 

“Oh?”  She looked up at him in confusion.  “What’s the point then?” 

“The point is that anything like that isn’t for you to tell everyone.  That … something like that, it’s my thing to tell and you didn’t even have the decency to ask me about it before spreading gossip.” 

“Would you have told me?” 

“No.  And _that’s_ the point.  Stuff like that … it’s for the person to say, not you.” 

The look in her eyes was still shocked confusion, and Isak felt like groaning again.  It was bad enough for someone to out him because they were being malicious; it was almost worse for it to be like this -- someone genuinely not seeing that she’d done anything wrong.  He remembered how upset he’d been on Monday while talking to Even, and the idea that that feeling, that sense of being out of control and so panicked that he could hardly think, had come from someone this clueless was … it was infuriating. 

“But if it’s true, what’s the problem?” she asked with a sweet smile on her lips, and she still clearly just didn’t get it.  “I don’t care, Isak.  No-one does.  I love gays!” 

Rolling his eyes, Isak ground out, “sorry, Vilde.  I can’t be here with you.  If you don’t get the fuck out of my way right now I’m going to say something I really regret.” 

She blinked at him, uncertain, and stood her ground.  Angry, feeling the fury boiling inside him, Isak pushed past her and stormed out the door.  He leaned up against the wall of the building, and threw his head back.  He was so tired of this shit.  What would it be like to just say ‘yeah it’s true, and fuck you all’?  Part of Isak delighted in the idea, it wanted to yell to the world and say fuck you to the consequences.  That part of Isak wasn’t entirely rational, that part of Isak wanted to revel in being with Even and just enjoy feeling what it was like to be the object of someone’s affections … of a _guy’s_ affections.  The rational part, however, said he actually wasn’t ready for that.  The rational part reminded him that, as much as he liked Even and wanted to spend time with him, he didn’t _really_ have a boyfriend and after this thing they were doing had run its course then Isak would have to face the world alone.  That thought was enough to bring him back to earth and dropped his head in defeat.  Isak was going to have to brazen this thing out for a few more days, and that was all there was to it.  

He was just feeling sorry for himself, and wallowing in all the feelings that idea had created when Sana sauntered up to him. 

“Moping, huh?” she said with a wink, and Isak groaned. 

“For the last time, Sana, I don’t mope.” 

“Mmhmmm.”   

She showed him her dimples, and Isak rolled his eyes.  “You want something?” 

“Touchy!”  She smiled again, a knowing look in her eye, and Isak had to look away to try to hide the blush he knew was staining his cheeks. 

“Seriously, Sana, I’m not in the mood.” 

“You’re no fun.”  She winked at him again.  “I was going to take the opportunity to get in some digs about Even …” 

Isak groaned.  “Don’t talk to me about him ever again.  This whole thing is so damn awkward.  Why did I ever agree to it?” 

“I heard you didn’t just agree to it, that it was actually your idea.” 

Her voice was cheerful and slightly cheeky as she laughed.  However, Isak gaped at her.  “You …?  Who could possibly have told you that?” 

He glanced over at Sana, and to his surprise she looked embarrassed and her cheeky expression had disappeared.  Which was fucking weird, because in Isak’s experience that just didn’t happen.  She opened her mouth to speak, but just squeaked instead.  For a few moments, it looked like Sana was going to cut and run.  Isak had even started to reach out a hand to stop her, when she shook herself, visibly steeled her body, and said, “um … so okay, I might have known Even previously.” 

She looked contrite and ashamed as Isak gaped again.  “Why didn’t you say?” 

Her lips pursed this time, and she shook her head at him.  “It wasn’t my place to say anything.” There was a clear admonishment in her tone, and Isak blushed.  Sana shrugged.  “Anyway, ‘til last week I hadn’t seen him in months.”

The wheels turned quickly for Isak and he realised.  “Months?  So you … so you know about the stuff?  The whatever happened to him last year?” 

Sana shook her head, all dimples definitely gone now, her face as serious as Isak had ever seen it.  “That’s not a thing I should be talking about, Isak.  You need to ask him.” 

“I tried.”  Isak tried to pretend that it didn’t hurt him to acknowledge that but the look Sana gave him was knowing and sympathetic.  Isak turned away from her.  “He doesn’t want to say anything to me.” 

“Honestly, Isak.  It’s not easy stuff to talk about.  You just need to give it time.” 

Isak nodded his acceptance, but sighed.  He was disappointed in himself, in the hope that he’d allowed himself to feel.  “I don’t know why I care anyway.  It’s all just fake, right?”

The dimples had returned when Sana smiled at him this time.  “You tell me, Isak.  Seems like if it was really that fake you wouldn’t be asking it as a question.” 

He rolled his eyes.  It’s not like he hadn’t told her all this anyway, but the fact that Sana was teasing him about his feelings not being even a little bit fake was really annoying.  He huffed out his irritation and she laughed.  “Oh, Isak.  You’re so easy to wind up,” she said before leaving again. 

He stared after her, wondering why on earth he’d ever let her into his secrets.  Not that he’d actually said it out loud or anything, or confirmed it.  Not back then.  She’d just known somehow, and had let Isak know that it was okay.  When they’d been together in that godforsaken cafe where Isak had finally spoken to Even for the first time, Sana had just kind of got it.  She’d been really good about it, too.  Eventually, she’d somehow also managed to weasel out of Isak that he’d agreed to fake date Even.  Isak still wasn’t exactly sure how she’d done that.  It’s not like he usually blurted out his deepest, darkest secrets to random people.  But it had felt different, the way she asked and nodded and didn’t press him for details or look like she’d changed her opinion.  So Isak had felt comfortable with her.   

Either way, after he’d told Even out loud that he was gay, Isak had finally admitted as much to Sana as well.  He knew she wouldn’t pass it around the school and it felt like a test -- to see if he could tell other people and not collapse in horror on the spot.  And it had worked.  Isak had been okay.  Sana had just nodded and carried on with the conversation.  So maybe Jonas and Even were right.  Maybe the world wouldn’t cave in if he just let himself be out there.  Maybe.

 

 

Even so, Isak was hesitant to openly admit it to other people.  Things at school didn’t calm down, the stares continued, and people still whispered.  But it didn’t seem as bad as it had before.  Jonas would thump him on the back, Sana would wink, even Vilde would be nauseatingly cheerful at him.  And always there was Even.  Even, with his beautiful smile and his devastating humour and his fucking terrible dick jokes.  Somehow being with Even made the world fall away, as corny as that sounded when Isak tried to articulate it to Jonas one day.  But it was the truth.  He still had some sort of magic calming potion which he laid over every moment Isak spent with him.  So no matter how angry or hurt or wound up Isak was feeling when Even arrived, by the time he’d been there for a few minutes, cracking jokes and smiling his crinkled-edged smile at Isak, Isak would be at peace very soon after. 

“You’re so different around him,” Jonas observed one day as they walked towards his house after school.   

“I’m what?” 

“Different.  Not, like, in a bad way.  Just … different.” 

“I’m not?  I don’t think?” 

“Come on, Isak.  You must have noticed it yourself.” 

Isak couldn’t answer.  Of course it was true.  He’d seen himself how calm and at ease he felt around Even, so of course other people were seeing it.  Isak knew the truth of Jonas’s words; he just didn't want to admit it.  Because admitting it meant he had to admit that he would be actually devastated when Even stopped needing him.  And it was somewhat startling for Isak to realise that any positives about ending the fake dating, even with the bonus of people not finding out he was gay, were well outweighed by the horror of the idea of not having a good excuse to see Even anymore.

Thus it was with a certain degree of delight that Isak received a text from Even on Monday asking if he’d consider being his fake boyfriend again the next weekend.  Still reluctant to examine in detail exactly what his delight meant, Isak still allowed himself to feel the joy.  Oh what a difference two fucking weeks makes, Isak thought to himself.  Two weeks ago, Isak had been shaking and almost made himself ill at the thought that people might see them together.  This time the idea of being seen with Even wasn’t nauseating.  It was exciting.  So ‘fuck yes, when?’ was his response, which earned him several emojis in return, and ‘this Saturday.  Party at Elias’s place.’ 

Isak was sitting outside after school one day, unwilling to go home, but too bored to be bothered seeing if the boys wanted to do something.  He was just contemplating going to get kebab or something when he felt someone sitting down next to him.  He glanced sideways and smiled when he saw Even. 

“Hey,” he said happily. 

“How’re things?”

“Good, they’re good actually.  I feel … better.”  To his surprise, Isak realised it was true.  He’d thought the worst thing that could possibly happen to him was for the school to gossip about him.  But now that had actually happened, he realised he didn’t care as much as he’d thought he would.  Yes, it still hurt, but the important people were still there for him. 

Even smiled back, his eyes doing that thing that never failed to affect Isak.  “I’m glad.” 

They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes before Even turned back to Isak.  “Tell me something.” 

“Hmmm?” 

“Tell me something.  About you.  Something a boyfriend would know.” 

“I’ve never had a boyfriend.” 

Even’s laugh was soft, and he touched Isak’s arm gently as he said, “I kind of figured that much.” 

“You’re such an asshole.” 

Even bowed.  “Yeah,” he said.  Isak admired it -- that ability to genuinely not care, not give a fuck about anyone or anything.  He hopd one day he could learn Even’s trick, and he said as much.  Even’s face fell for a brief moment, before a sad smile crept over his face.  “You don’t want to know my trick, Isak.  It’s not a good one.  You deserve better than that.” 

Swallowing all the words he was going to say, the snide wisecracks he’d usually give out if someone said something like that to him, Isak eventually nodded, then said, “you don’t deserve it either.” 

“Thanks.” 

They lapsed into silence, that neither felt the need to fill, and Isak laid his head back on the bench.  The sun was out, the feeling warm on his face, and he felt at peace.  Being here with Even, despite the conversation which should have been awkward but actually wasn’t, was the best experience Isak could remember having.  For once Isak didn’t feel the need to question it and figure it out.  He just let it be and enjoyed it. 

“This is nice,” he sighed eventually.  “But I have to go home.  Eskild will be upset if I’m not there for the flat bonding dinner he’s been preparing.” 

“Okay,” Even said, his smile this time happier and more open.  

 

 

Isak found himself really excited as Saturday approached.  Over the last few days he’d spent more time with Even, sorting out their story and incidentally getting to know each other better.  It had been heady and intoxicating, and the idea of actually acting like boyfriends was suddenly far more appealing than it had been.  Isak had recklessly decided to throw all in and he was going to go out there and be the best boyfriend anyone had ever seen.  This ‘Elias’ was unlikely to have people from Nissen at his house, and if he did then so what?  Isak was quickly sliding towards not giving a shit.  The idea should scare him, but instead he felt more alive than he had in what felt like years. 

Isak was a little drunk already by the time Even came to his house to collect him, and he smiled giddily as he opened the door. 

“Even!” 

“That’s my name, yes.” 

“Wait just a moment, I have to run get my jacket real quick.” 

Even smiled as he hovered in the doorway waiting, and Isak felt his heart melt just a little more.  He was so fucking cute. 

“You’re so fucking cute,” he heard himself say and stopped, suddenly horrified, as he heard Even’s startled bark of laughter.  Maybe Isak was more than a little drunk, which … shit.  This may not have been his best plan.  “I … I mean … uh …” 

“Don’t worry, Isak, I know what you meant.”  There was a sadness in Even’s voice that disturbed Isak, but he couldn’t figure it out.  Too drunk to worry too much right now, Isak smiled and grabbed his jacket and keys. 

On the way out the door, Isak offered Even his hand, which Even took with a slight smile and a squeeze.  If there was still a lingering sadness in the way Even looked at him, well … Isak was a bit too drunk to really delve into that either. 

“Going all out to prove this thing, then?” 

“Yeah.  Proving the fake thing.  That’s what I’m doing, yes.”  Isak gave a self-assured nod and then giggled.  Even’s laugh rang out in response and he squeezed Isak’s hand again. 

They walked, hand in hand, to the tram, then they kept their hands together for the whole tram ride and the short walk to Elias’s house.  Isak tried to pretend to himself that he was doing it just because he wanted to get into character, but there was that traitorous part of him that acknowledged that he actually wanted to revel in the feel of Even’s hand in his.  There was something so domestic in this - holding hands as you walk down the street together.  Isak laughed softly to himself as they walked, remembering how terrified he’d been just a few short weeks ago.  It really was amazing how Even had changed the way Isak felt about just about everything.   

“Everything okay?” Even asked, and Isak smiled and nodded.  Everything seemed more than okay, and Isak couldn’t believe just how different he felt from the way he had last time he’d come to a party with Even. 

When Even knocked on the door, all Isak felt was a slight tremble as he took a breath and got ready to face whatever was behind the door.  Which … yeah okay that was dramatic as fuck and Isak should just quit while he was ahead, but he was pleasantly buzzed, his hand was in Even’s and Isak was going to enjoy himself, dammit. 

“Even!” The guy at the door yelled as he spotted them.  “You made it!  And Isak, it’s good to see you again, bro.”

Isak squinted at the guy in confusion.  He was way too drunk for this.  Even squeezed his hand and grinned down at him.  “You remember Elias, right?” 

Oh right.  Elias.  One of the ones who hadn’t been an asshole at the party last time.  Isak smiled at him benignly and shook his hand, then spotted someone behind him. 

“Sana!  What are you doing here?” 

“It’s my house, idiot.  And that’s my brother you’re trying to shake the hand off of.” 

“Oh.”  Isak, brought back to the present, realised he was still shaking Elias’s hand and blushed as he dropped it. 

“Glad you could make it, Even,” Elias said again as he stepped back to allow them in, and Even smiled again.  They shared a few more comments and reminiscences before Even pulled Isak further into the house and they chatted with some other people. 

It was all very polite and calm, and Isak wondered exactly what he was doing here.  It didn’t seem like there was the same tension there had been two weeks ago, so it felt like Even could probably have foregone the charade of the boyfriend.  He didn’t dwell on it though, merely allowed himself to sink further into Even’s side whenever he wrapped his arm around Isak’s waist.  It wasn’t clear to Isak if this was the result of the beer he’d had before coming, and continued to drink, or if it was just a symptom of how relaxed he now was in Even’s company.  Whatever it was, he liked it.  It was nice to be here with Even and pretending one last time that Isak actually meant something to him. 

When Even looked at him as if he was the most precious thing in the world, Isak felt himself going weak.  It was hard, so hard, not to just give in to the temptation to kiss him.  But Isak was just on the right side of being too drunk, and even his befuddled mind knew that doing that would likely just end in heartbreak for himself after this night.  So he kept his lips to himself, but allowed himself the luxury of touching Even whenever he wanted to, and stored up every small look and touch he got in return.   

“Even, mate.  There you are.” 

Isak could feel Even tense beside him as Mikael came up to them.  He slid his arm back around Even and gave him a comforting squeeze.  Even gulped, his eyes wary and anxious as he looked at his old friend.  It was weird to Isak, how protective he felt over Even.  He watched Mikael carefully, ready to step in if he felt like Mikael was going to upset Even in any way. 

“Um, hi.  Mikael.  Uh …”

The look on Mikael’s face was difficult to decipher, and Isak couldn’t help the impulse he felt to draw himself up to his full height.   

“You brought your boy toy with you again, then.”  There was a smirk in Mikael’s voice that bugged Isak.  It wasn’t the outright disdain from last time, but was enough to raise Isak’s hackles in Even’s defence. 

“Why are you always such an asshole?’ Isak surprised himself by asking. 

Mikael looked shocked, and to Isak’s surprise, Even started laughing.  Mikael joined in, and eventually pulled Even into a hug and clapped him on the back.  Isak looked between them, startled and confused.  He really was too drunk for this crap. 

“Mikael’s my oldest buddy, Isak.  He’s known me for years.”

“That doesn’t give him the right to be an asshole to you,” Isak said, still scowling at Mikael. 

“Isak … I told you before, there’s stuff there that’s my fault.  Don’t … I’m not perfect, okay?” 

Isak gave him a fondly exasperated look.  “I know that.  Still doesn’t mean people get to be assholes.”  He nodded in Mikael’s direction, and Even laughed again. 

“It’s okay, Isak.  I promise.”

“I’ll leave you guys alone,” Mikael said with a small smile.  “Seems like you need to do some talking.” 

Even looked away quickly and nodded at Mikael.  “I … can _we_ talk, Mik?  You and me, I mean.  I … I think I need to say some things to you.”  

Mikael looked at Even a little appraisingly.  “Not today; I’m too drunk for this shit.  But soon, yeah.”  He nodded firmly.  “I’ll text you.” 

Even nodded back, and the tension Isak had been feeling in his body slid away.   

“You okay?” he asked as Mikael left them alone again and they made their way to a quiet spot by a wall, well away from the eyes of everyone in the party. 

Even nodded, his eyes crinkled as he looked down at Isak in a way that made his heart flip over.  They smiled at each other, and Isak could feel his heart pounding.  Maybe it was the beer talking, or maybe it was just being with Even, but suddenly everything didn’t feel so big anymore.  The world had become the two of them.  And maybe this was stupid, maybe Isak was going to regret this in the morning, but he couldn’t keep denying this.  So, feeling reckless, pumped up by the alcohol he’d been consuming and the looks Even had been giving him all night, Isak reached up and let his hand caress the back of Even’s neck. 

Even stilled, holding his breath as he looked at Isak, who allowed himself to move his hand enough to slide into Even’s hair a little.  The look in Even’s eyes was wary confusion, and Isak grinned, pushing aside the butterflies which had suddenly turned up.  “I … uh.  Is this okay?” 

“Yeah … yeah it’s okay.”  Even’s voice was husky as he replied. 

“I mean, you did offer -- anywhere and anytime, right?”  Isak swallowed, feeling the enormity of what he was saying, and hoping that Even wouldn’t pull back. 

“Right.”  Even’s eyes crinkled a little as he smiled at Isak, the expression gentle and so so fond that Isak knew it would be okay.  “I mean, I didn’t picture quite this many people around, but beggars can’t be choosers.” 

Isak rolled his eyes and let his fingers move to cup Even’s cheek, allowing himself to really explore the contours of his face for a brief moment.  “Shut up and let me kiss you,” Isak said, feigning grumpiness as Even sniggered. 

Looking back on the last two weeks Isak thought, _fuck it.  I can do this.  I want to do this, and no-one’s judgements are going to get in my way_.  “People want proof, I’ll give them proof,” he muttered sliding his hand back round into Even’s hair and pulling Even’s head towards him.  Isak barely registered the way the look in Even’s eyes changed as their lips met.  

Whatever Isak had expected from the kiss, it wasn’t this.  All his doubts disappeared.  This was fucking amazing.  Even held himself rigid for a moment before relaxing into the kiss, and allowing his body to move closer into Isak’s.  His arms came around Isak’s back and he let out a soft hum which sent sparks flying right down to Isak’s toes.  After several long moments, Isak pulled back and smiled.  Dimly, he could hear people talking in the background and he thought they might be the topic of conversation.  But right now he didn’t care.  He’d kissed Even, and the world didn’t end.  Rather, it seemed to have brightened in a way he couldn’t have imagined just a few days ago.  Even’s arms were still around him, and he squeezed, once, before raising his eyebrows and indicating towards the door with his head.  Isak laughed, feeling giddy, and nodded.


	5. Chapter 5

For several moments Even couldn’t process what was happening, despite having been very much aware -- and very happy -- that Isak was about to kiss him.  The actual moment their lips touched was so overwhelming that his brain shut down and refused to acknowledge it beyond a sort of joyous chirruping.  So Even’s arms didn’t go around Isak for what was, in hindsight, far too long a time.  Time that he was just going to have to gain back somehow, even if it took all his life.  Overly dramatic?  Maybe, but honestly, when the opportunity arises to be holding Isak Valtersen for real and your body doesn’t immediately grab the opportunity with both hands … well, that body has some serious amend-making to do.  

When he  _ did _ manage to get his hands moving appropriately, Even tried to make up for it by running them up Isak’s back and tangling them in Isak’s hair.  Judging by the breathy gasp Isak gave when he pulled back a little, Even’s tactic had been rather successful.  He grinned.  He looked into Isak’s eyes and raised his brows in a question.  Isak laughed, a soft breath of amusement or joy, and nodded.  So Even held out his hand, then when Isak took it, he led the way through a rather large and interested group of people to the door.  

Out of the corner of his eye, Even could see Isak’s hesitation as he faced the people around them, so he picked up the pace.  Anything to drag Isak’s mind away from those around them and the comment he’d made just before their lips touched.   _ People want proof, I’ll give them proof. _  It had shaken Even a little.  Was this just more of the fake-out?  Was Isak going to tell him that there was nothing there?  Even couldn’t bear the thought, so he pushed it away to examine another day, another time.  He was good at that, he thought.  Good at ignoring unpleasant possibilities until they dragged him under.  Shaking  _ that _ irritating thought off, Even finally got the two of them through a door and into the relative peace of the backyard.

Still holding Isak’s hand, Even turned to face him.  He smiled as he took in the rather bewildered, yet happy, expression on Isak’s face.

“So.  That was a thing,” Even said, trying to control the embarrassingly obvious grin on his face.

Isak laughed, a blush staining his cheeks.  He dropped his eyes from Even’s gaze and smiled a little.  “Yeah, it was.”

Even squeezed his hand, trying to get him to look up.  Eventually, Isak did, and the expression in his eyes made Even’s heart soar.  There was a wary hope there, much like one he’d seen many days ago, but this time Even didn’t think he was misreading it.  He had to know for sure, though.  So Even forced himself to ask the question that had hovered on his lips for days now.  The question he’d been desperate to blurt out every time he’d seen Isak struggling with the rumours and innuendo from the students at school.

“Do you … um.  Is this still … fake?”

Isak’s face dropped for a moment before smoothing into a pleasant mask, and he pulled his hand away.

“Sure, yeah.  Fake.”

Even watched it all happen, watched as everything that made Isak vibrant shut down behind what was clearly a very practiced facade.  Wanting to pull that wall down as soon as he could, Even grabbed Isak’s arm before he could walk away.  He absolutely was not going to let this thing fall through his fingers on a misunderstanding.  “No.  Idiot.  I didn’t mean that.”

“Idiot?”  Isak tried to shrug off his hand, but Even didn’t want to risk having him walk away while things were so tantalisingly close, but frustratingly unclear.  So he held tighter, briefly, to make sure Isak would hear him out.  

“Yeah, idiot.   _ My  _ idiot.”  Even let his voice go soft, caressing the syllables and watched as Isak’s face softened in response.  “I don’t want to be fake.  Not anymore,” Even clarified.   
  
“You don’t?”  Isak’s face was slowly opening up again, and hope was blooming in his eyes.  Even didn’t think he’d ever seen anything more beautiful.  

“No.”  Even was almost whispering now, and the hand he still had on Isak’s arm was loose enough that Isak could shake it off if he wanted to.  He made no move to do so, so Even allowed himself to gently touch Isak’s face, and watched as Isak leant into the caress.  “I want to be allowed to kiss you again.  For real.  No fake outs.”

Isak nodded, carefully, and moved his own hand to the back of Even’s neck.  Taking a deep, clearly relieved, breath, Isak smiled up at Even with a new light in his eyes.  “What are you waiting for, then?  You intimidated by all this greatness?”

Even laughed.  There was the cheeky little shit he remembered from the cafe, back again.  It made him realise just how different and how guarded Isak had been since the Vilde thing.  Watching that mask go on so effortlessly had just brought home to Even how much Isak had been hiding, and how many sides of himself he kept hidden from most of the world.  Even felt all the privilege of how close he’d been allowed to get to isak over these last few weeks.  He’d loved getting to know that Isak, the one only he got to see, but Even admitted that  _ this _ was the boy he’d originally noticed and he was glad Isak still had that spark somewhere inside him, despite all that had happened.

“You got me. You’re so intimidating,” Even deadpanned.

Isak rolled his eyes, looking impossibly fond as he did so.  Even allowed himself to kiss Isak then, revelling in the feeling of their lips together, the way Isak’s moved under his own, and the way Isak’s hands clenched in Even’s hair as if he wanted to lay claim to him.  Last time, Even had been too caught up in the newness of it all to really understand what was going on, to really allow himself to experience it.  But now … now his heart pounded and his hands slid behind Isak to pull him more tightly against his own body.  

When they separated, they were both panting slightly and Even laughed, trying to catch his breath.  He lay his forehead against Isak’s and sighed, feeling contented.

"Does this mean we can start, you know, actually letting people know?” he asked quietly, unwilling to break whatever magical thing was occurring here, but also desperate to know where they stood, where things were with them.

Isak considered him, a cheeky grin on his face, and his hands still tangled in Even’s hair.  He cocked his head to the side and looked at Even through his unfairly long lashes.  “I dunno.  Is this ‘next level’ enough to be told your history?”

“Next level?”

“Yeah, remember?  You said I couldn’t know your story until we were next level.  Is that what’s happening here?”

Even sighed again, less happily this time, and felt cold sweep over him.  His history -- the history that would likely push Isak away and make him wary and unsure of Even.  He swallowed, however, and answered.  “Yeah.  Yeah it is, or it can be if you want.”

He let that sit as a question and hover between them, hoping Isak would pick it up.  

Isak’s lips curved into a smile.  “Boyfriends, then.”  He nodded as if testing out the words, and realising they made him happy.  Even could relate to that feeling.  He grinned back, feeling something akin to delight seeping through his veins.

“Do you really want to hear my story now?  I can think of other things to do that might be more interesting.”

Fear lapped at Even as he said it, just brushing the edges of his happiness.  Of course, if Isak wanted him to, Even would spill everything, let him know all the terrible thoughts that rested inside of him, all the crap he’d pulled when he was at his lowest.  He would do it.  He just didn’t want to.  Whatever this was that he’d found, this peace and well being he felt when he was with Isak, Even didn’t want to risk it by giving Isak the knowledge of everything he truly was.  So, he looked at Isak, trying to project a sense of cocky confidence as he waited for his answer.  Inside, he was shaking.

Thankfully, Isak took the bait.  “More interesting, huh?  What did you have in mind?”

Grinning triumphantly, Even kissed him again, feeling happiness building through his whole body.  The rest could come in time, Even reasoned.  Once things were more certain.  Isak didn’t need to know all that now.  So he pushed all those worries away and focused on Isak and the here and now.  

  
  
  


Even was on edge for the next few days.  He’d gone home with Isak the night of the party as happy as he’d ever been, and they’d slept curled up in each other.  Since then, the two of them had been practically inseparable.  Isak was still a little wary of his schoolmates and their reactions, but he was becoming bolder -- holding Even’s hand when he wanted to and even dropping small pecks onto Even’s cheeks when he was feeling particularly confident.  Things were going so well that Even didn’t want to fuck them up.  But there were two things intruding into his perfect peace: Mikael, and the knowledge that he had to tell Isak about everything.  

Telling Isak, he knew, was his responsibility and there were times when Even would attempt to bring himself to a point where he could do it, but something always went wrong -- someone came along, or Isak looked at him in a certain way or it just didn’t feel right, and so he never did it.  Guilt over that ate at him whenever he was with Isak, yet still he couldn’t bring himself to shatter the peace and put it all out there.

Mikael, on the other hand, had said  _ he _ would text.  So Even was holding himself honour bound to wait, but there were times when that wait was excruciating.  With Mikael, Even wanted to get this over with.  He wanted to have this talk and get past it.  But what if Mikael had forgotten?  He had been drunk, after all.  Or what if he hadn’t meant it?  Even had screwed him over pretty thoroughly when everything had happened, so there was no reason to expect that Mikael would genuinely want to reconnect now.  By the middle of the week, Even had given up.

On Thursday morning, therefore, when he’d just kissed Isak goodbye at his locker and was on his way to his first class, the last thing Even expected was a text.

_ Hey, bro.  You free later? _

Even gulped.  It was here, then.  

_ I finish school at 15.15.   _

_ Meet at KB?  Usual place _

Even felt his heart swelling with painful emotion.  There was so much behind that seemingly casual phrase.  There had been a time when Even and Mikael did meet regularly at KB, and the staff always had their usual table ready for them.  That Mikael wanted to recreate those moments was either very good news or very bad news.  Either he wanted to resume some of their former comradeship, or he wanted Even to be off kilter and awkward in a place that had a lot of resonance.  It irritated Even that he couldn’t tell anymore which it was.  He sighed as he responded.

_ Okay. _

The rest of the day dragged, and Even found himself sitting awkwardly with Isak and his friends at lunch.  Isak, because he was apparently attuned to every nuance of Even the same way Even was with him, noticed immediately that something was off with Even.  

In a quiet moment, when the others were distracted, he leaned over as if to brush something off Even’s shoulder and whispered, “is everything okay?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”

“You’re so quiet today, that’s all.”

Isak ran his hand over Even’s arm and smiled at him, nodding his reassurance.  Even relaxed a little, and smiled back.  “Mikael texted me.  I’m meeting him later.”

“Oh.”  Isak looked at him carefully, taking in the tense lines of his body.  “How do you feel about that?”

“I’m … I need to do it, but it’s so hard, Isak.”  Even’s voice caught on the last word.  He knew they were skating very close now, skating near to the things Even had to tell Isak.  All that knowledge was in him as he spoke, and he could feel a sadness hiding behind it all that he just knew Isak was going to pick up on.

To his credit, Isak didn’t flinch or insist on knowing what was wrong, or what had happened.  Even could see the number of questions in his eyes, and the deep curiosity that had always characterised Isak, but he just nodded.  “I know,” he said.  “But you can do it.”

Swallowing a fresh wave of emotion, Even nodded back.  He reached out, took Isak’s hand and squeezed it.  It was enough.  Even still wasn’t his usual self, but he didn’t feel quite the panic that he had before.  Just knowing that Isak was on his side was enough to squash a lot of the panic that had flooded him ever since the texts.

  
  
  


After school, Even made his way to KB as quickly as he could, but he knew Mikael would already be there.  There had never been a time when Even would arrive first, as Mikael had just somehow always had a sixth sense as to when Even would appear.  He’d always be there, grinning with a smug look and a pointed barb about lateness every time.  By the end it had become as much a thing as having the one table they always used.  And of course, today Mikael’s time was more free.  He was job hunting, being an adult,  while Even was still stuck at school.  That it was Even’s own fault that he wasn’t with him just made it worse.  Squashing the bitter thought, Even plastered on a cheerful grin as he pushed open the door and made his way to the back of the room.

“Hey,” he said softly as he sat in the seat across from Mikael.

“Hey, you,” Mikael said with a ghost of a smile.

They sat there for what seemed like hours.  Even’s heart was thumping and he could feel his palms going clammy as Mikael considered him.  It was intimidating as hell to be so closely scrutinised by someone who’d once been your best friend and who you now had no idea how to approach.  Even wished they had done this on Friday -- at least on Friday Mikael had been buzzed with drink, and these days he seemed to react better to Even when he wasn’t entirely sober.

“So.” Mikael said.

Even nodded.  “So.”

“You disappeared.”  There was a hint of accusation in Mikael’s voice, and a question that begged for an answer.

Even nodded again.  “I did.  I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

And that was a loaded question.  There were so many things he could be asking about -- why did Even stop contacting his friends, why did he say what he said, why did he do what he did, why had Mikael been at the centre of it all.  Even chose to answer the easiest one first.

“I … uh.  I didn’t think I’d be good for you guys anymore.  So I just …”

“You ignored us.  We tried to get hold of you.”

“I know.  I’m sorry.”  And he was.  Of everything he’d done, Even thought maybe this was actually the worst.  It had been easiest, for him, to start again fresh in a new school, but it must have been terrible for his old friends to watch Even fall apart the way he had and then just disappear with no contact.  “I … it was a cowardly thing to do.”

Then, miraculously, Mikael laughed, a full throated chuckle that boomed out of him and startled the people at a nearby table.  “Am I hearing right?  Is the great Even actually admitting to being wrong?”

“Shut up, asshole.”  But Even was laughing too, relief sparking through him.  This was going to be okay, then.  

They quieted for a few moments, but this time there was no uneasy silence.  Eventually Even spoke again.  “I just wanted you to know that I really am sorry for all that stuff.  You know …”

“All that … look, it doesn’t matter.”  Mikael shrugged.  “You weren’t well.”

“I know.  I know that, but it doesn’t excuse it.”  Even shifted uncomfortably in his seat as he remembered the things he’d shouted at Mikael.  Things like ‘fucking homophobe’ and ‘this is all your fault’ and even worse things -- things that Even didn’t mean, but somehow couldn’t bring himself to apologise for at the time.  Things he had been so embarrassed by that he’d walked out on Mikael’s friendship in an agony of shame.  “I shouldn’t have treated you that way, and I definitely shouldn’t have yelled at you afterwards.”

“Well I won’t deny that it sucked, but it’s past now.  Honestly.”

Even shook his head.  “No, it can’t be that easy.”

“What?  You want me to let you be a martyr, Even?  You want the dramatic movie ending?  The cathartic moment of forgiveness?”  There was a slight hint of irritated fondness behind the amusement in Mikael’s voice.  He sat for several moments, obviously trying to weigh up what he wanted to say.  In the end he shrugged.   “I wanted to rage at you, you know?  Tell you all the ways you were shit, because that stuff, hurt, you know."

Even nodded, feeling contrite, his heart in his throat.  Everything he'd thrown at Mikael had been so unfair, and he'd never tried to make amends before fucking off.  Mikael should hate him for it.

"But then I realised something," Mikael continued.  "I didn’t need the grand movie showdown.  Real life doesn’t work that way, and I was actually already over it.”  He smiled at Even.  “You’ll get over it, too.  You’ll see.”

“But … I deserve …”

“What?  You deserve to be pilloried?  I think there’s been enough of that, don’t you?”

Even shrugged again.  “No.  Not enough.”

Mikael laughed again.  “Honestly, I was pissed, yeah, and I was shitty to you when we met again, too.  So this isn’t  _ all  _ on you.  But that didn’t last.  It’s  _ fine. _  And your boytoy was right -- none of that gave me the right to be an asshole.  So ...” he picked up his coffee cup and took a sip, “so I’m not gonna be an asshole.”

“Oh.”  Even smiled at Mikael, finally getting over the shock of how easy this had all been.  “Okay.  So … we start again, then?”

“Yeah.  Just don’t disappear on me again and it’s all chill.”

Even laughed.  “Okay, that’s chill.”

“So tell me about Isak.  Please say you got over yourself and stopped with the fake dating crap?”

“Why does everyone think it was fake?”

“Oh bro, please.”  Mikael was giving him the look he’d perfected over the years, the one that said ‘you’re a fucking useless dickhead but I love you anyway.’  “You were so fucking gone on him and he was so gone on you, but you were so painfully good to each other.”  He made air quotes around the word ‘good’ with an added grimace.  “It was obvious you were pretending.”

“Huh,” said Even, reviewing his last few meetings with Mikael in a new light.  

“So please,  _ please _ tell me you got over that and actually asked him out.”

Even couldn’t keep the grin off his face.  “Yeah I did.  Or I guess he did?  I don’t know.   _ We _ did together, maybe.”

“Good.  That’s good.  He seems good to you, you know.  Not like …”

Even bristled.  “She was great.  At the start anyway.”

Mikael waved him off with one hand.  “Okay, whatever.  You loved her, blah blah.  But this one seems … I don’t know.   _ She’d _ never have told me off for being an asshole.”

“Not to your face, maybe,” Even laughed.  “She told me all about what she thought in private.”

“I knew there was a reason I didn’t like her.”

But Mikael was laughing again, and Even felt his heart constrict for all the right reasons.  It was okay, they were okay, and his life which had seemed so barren just a few weeks ago, now felt much happier.

“I missed you,” he said carefully.  

Mikael smiled again, his eyes fond this time.  “I missed you too, bro.  We need to do this again, maybe with the other boys.”

Even nodded.  “Yeah.  Yeah we should.”

  
  
  


So it was that Even found himself back at the Bakkoush house on a Friday night, filming one of the boys’ ridiculous videos and laughing in a way he hadn’t in a very long time.  Elias had pulled him into a hug when he’d arrived, and then all the others had piled on too.  Mikael’s had been a little longer and a little tighter than the rest, and Even could feel emotions clogging his throat at the thought that he could have had this all along.  Somewhere inside himself he’d known that, but he’d tried to keep it hidden because acknowledging that meant acknowledging that everything had been his fault.

During the filming there had been lots of good natured ribbing about the past and Even’s disappearance, and Even had laughed with them.  It may not have been the deeply groveling apologies he’d expected to have to give, but his friends were accepting what he’d done and were showing Even that it really didn’t matter.  That it was in the past and he didn’t have to be ashamed of it anymore.  Being able to joke about everything was something that the Even of just a few weeks ago couldn’t have pictured, and he found his throat tight again at the thought.

It was a lot to process, and Even excused himself to get a drink from the kitchen. In reality, he just needed a moment to himself, to process and to gather his strength.  He was feeling more emotional than he’d expected to, and more off kilter.  Even leaned back against the counter with a sigh, before pulling his phone out.  It had stopped feeling strange that contacting Isak was able to centre him; it was just part of life now.  

_ Hey, baby, _ he texted.   _ I miss you _

_ Sap _ , Isak sent back with a heart.

Even grinned at his phone.  

_ I miss you too _ , came back almost immediately.

_ Who’s the sap now then? _

Isak just sent an emoji clearly meant to be someone giving the middle finger, and Even laughed out loud.

“Gross.  Your phone’s not supposed to make you that happy, it’s unnatural.”

Sana’s voice was warm, though, when she sat down at the table and smiled over at Even.  He smiled back at her.  “Better than having it make you sad,” he said

She sobered immediately and nodded.  “That’s true, and yours made you sad for far too long.”

Even smiled at her, but didn’t respond.  What was there to say to that?  That had all been part of his own self-destruction.  There had been no reason for him to drive his friends away the way he had, and it had been an actual miracle that they’d kept trying to contact him.  

Sana sat in silence, waiting for Even to talk.  It was one of the things he really appreciated about her.  Sure, she could be mischievous and a wiseass at times, but she knew how to keep her counsel and she knew how to let people come to their own decisions in their own time.

“I just wanted to say thanks, Sana.”

Sana smirked at him, and acknowledged his comment with a head tilt.  “You’re welcome.”

“You’re not even asking what for.”

She shrugged.  “Whatever it is, I’m sure I deserve it.”

Even laughed.  She was always so self assured, and he admired that.  “You were right,” he said.  “I was making everything too big when it didn’t need to be.”

“So you’ve told Isak then?”

“No.”  Even smiled softly.  “No, but I’m going to.  When I get home tonight.”

Sana nodded thoughtfully, and thankfully said nothing about the time it had taken for Even to come to this decision.  He thanked the stars, once again, for the blessing that was her friendship.  “It’ll be okay, Even.  I’m sure of it.”  She stopped, thought for a moment, then added, “for what it’s worth, he knows I know you, and he seemed pretty keen on talking to you.  He’s just … he wants to be sure you’re ready.”

Even smiled, this time thanking the stars for the blessing that was Isak.  He was a curious person, who liked to know everything.  That he was willing to give Even this time to come to him rather than pushing spoke volumes.  Thus it was with certainty that Even said, “I’m ready.”

Sana’s dimples finally made an appearance, and Even shook his head.  “Whatever you’re about to say … don’t,” he said.

Sana pouted.  “I was just going to say what are you waiting for, then.”

She let the words hang in the air between them, and he nodded.  “You’re right.  I’m gonna go now.  Can you tell the boys I had … uh, that something came up?  But I’ll see them tomorrow?”

Sana smiled gently.  “Of course.”

Suddenly in a hurry, Even grabbed his coat and shoes from the entrance and pulled the door open slightly more forcefully than he’d meant to.  He barrelled forward and almost ran into a very surprised looking girl on the other side.  Her hand was raised as if she was about to knock.

“Oh.  I’m sorry.  I wasn’t looking, sorry for startling you,” he managed to get out as he tried to pass her.

She shook her head slowly, then put her hand on his arm.  “It’s Even, right?”

He squinted at her in confusion.  “Yes?”

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”

Now completely confused, Even looked down at her and raised his brow.  He’d learned that when you had no idea what was going on, that was often the best way to make yourself look like you know what you’re doing.

“I didn’t mean to make things awkward.  I was just excited that Isak had a boyfriend.”

Oh.  Even got it now.  The girl from the first party.  He grimaced, but nodded.  “Um, okay.”

“But he yelled at me, and I thought about it and maybe it wasn’t right to tell everyone before he did.”

Even held back his sarcastic laughter, thinking back on everything Isak had been through in the week after she’d done that, and how mild that ‘maybe’ seemed when weighed against all that.  He held it in though, desperate to be as calm as he could about this.  Instead, he looked at her very seriously and said, “no offence, but I think maybe you should be saying this to him.”

“Oh I know.”  She looked up at him with wide, serious eyes.  “I’m going to, but it affected you too.”

Even shrugged.  “It’s okay.  He’s the one who was really affected.”

She had the grace to look ashamed.  “I just want to say I’m happy for you.  It’s nice.”

“Thanks,” Even said for lack of any better response.  “But right now I need to be going.  It was … it was nice talking to you.”

He finally escaped past her, and made his way towards his house.  He hadn’t been lying to Sana when he said he intended to tell Isak tonight, but the logistics of that suddenly tripped him up.  He stopped, briefly, to consider his options then pulled out his phone.

_ I’m on my way home.  You wanna come over? _

Again the response was almost immediate, proving once again that Isak was just about as deep in this as Even was.   _ Gimme 5 minutes and I’ll head your way _

Squishing his fear that, despite everything he knew about Isak, he would take it badly and leave Even, Even texted back.   _ Wow someone’s eager _

_ Shut up asshole _

Feeling tense, Even paced around his room at home.  His parents were, thankfully, away for the weekend, so Even knew they couldn’t interrupt.  Butterflies erupted in his stomach as he realised he was finally going to have to confess everything, and there was no chance that anything was going to intrude to stop it.  While he knew this would probably be fine, Even still couldn’t control the anxiety that coursed through him as he waited for Isak’s arrival.  

When Isak arrived, therefore, with a cheerful, “hi,” Even was shaking a little.  Isak pressed a kiss to his lips, then pulled Even down onto the couch and smiled at him.

“You wanna tell me what’s wrong?” he asked, because of course he’d noticed that something was off.

Even huffed out a laugh.  “Not really, But I’m going to do it anyway.”

Isak smiled at that.  “Is this a ‘no distractions’ sort of a conversation, or a ‘we need coffee and sugar’ kind of conversation?”

Even smiled again.  Isak was just so good at cutting to the heart of things in a way that didn’t put pressure on.  “No distractions, I think.”

“Okay.”  Isak sat back a little and looked at Even with a querying expression.  “What’s up?”

“I need to tell you something, but I think it’ll make you hate me.”

Isak’s expression shifted slightly and he nodded.  “I don’t think that’ll happen, but … does this mean I’m getting the next level story?”

Even could feel his mouth lifting into another small smile.  “Yeah.”

“Okay, then,” he said, taking Even’s hand in his and giving it a squeeze.  “Tell me.”

So Even did.  He talked about how he had bipolar disorder, and how his diagnosis had seemed like a life sentence at the time.  He talked about how Sonja, his girlfriend, had tried to be supportive of him, but that she’d become controlling and suffocating instead.  He talked about how he’d had an episode, a bad one, and how that had led to several consequences that had devastating effects on him.  Through it all Isak had been comforting, a soft presence who listened and made sympathetic sounds at all the right places.  Eventually, though, voice hoarse and heart pained, Even stuttered to a halt.  He’d come to the part he was really dreading, the part he was sure would put Isak off forever.  And he found, in the moment, that he couldn’t bring himself to say it.

“I don’t think that’s all,” Isak said softly, and Even smiled -- a slight lift of his lips again.  Of course Isak knew there was more to the story.  

“I ...uh.  I did some stuff.  I told you, I think.  I’m not … this is the bad bit.”  Even could feel his heart cracking as his voice wobbled over the words.

“Can I tell you a story?”  Isak asked.

Even looked over at him in surprise.  “Sure,” he said.

“Okay, so.”  Isak looked up at him, and gave a brief smile before letting his face settle back into a frown.  “I did some stuff, too.  Stuff that’s been … it wasn’t good for a while.”

Even pressed his fingers gently into Isak’s hand to let him know he was listening, and Isak smiled briefly again before continuing.  “Back before I even really properly knew I was gay, I had this sort of complicated relationship with some friends.”  Isak smiled to himself, as if remembering something nostalgic.  “Jonas and Eva and I, we were best friends.  You know?  We did everything together.  Only, they were together as a couple, and I was so fucking jealous.  It would eat at me -- so many times we’d go to do something but then I’d end up on the outside.  I tried to tell myself it was just because I wanted us to be friends all the same, but deep down I knew I was really in love with Jonas.  And I couldn’t stand that Eva got to have what I wanted.  So I …” he coughed and looked away, down to the floor.  “I … uh.  I … Eva kissed another guy because she was scared and insecure, and I fed into that.  Made her believe that if Jonas found out it would be the end of their relationship.  I knew he wouldn’t be like that, but that if she hid it he would … I don’t know.”  

Isak sighed, letting air out through his teeth, and Even could tell how hard it was for him to talk about this.  He looked up at Even with eyes shining with emotion.  “I deliberately fucked with their relationship because I was jealous.  They were my best friends and I did that.  Whatever it is with you … well, just … I’m not a saint either, Even.”

Even sucked in a breath, understanding what Isak was offering him here.  He swallowed and nodded.

“I told you once that I was outed against my will?”

Isak nodded, drawing small circles on Even’s hand with his finger.  

“Well, it wasn’t quite like that.  No-one did what that girl did to you.”

“Vilde,” Isak said with a small smile.

“Yeah.  There was no public outing like that, not by someone else.  But, I was manic one time and I … I kissed my best friend at a party.  He didn’t take it well.”

“Shit!  Really?  I’ll kill him … that’s not … you can’t do that ...”

“No, Isak.  It wasn’t like that.  He just wasn’t expecting it and I had a girlfriend.”  Even shrugged again, uncomfortably.  “The problem was, some people saw, and rumours spread.  It was pretty horrible, looking back.  But I wasn’t actually that upset at the time.  The mania, you see …”

Isak shuddered, and lifted Even’s hand to press a kiss to it.  “I’m sorry, baby.”

“The thing is, that’s not the bad stuff.  The bad stuff is what I did when I got depressed after that.  I … uh …”  Even looked away from Isak, unwilling to see the disgust in his eyes when he said this next bit.  “I told Mikael it was all his fault, him and Sonja.  That they were just asshole homophobes.  That his religion made him narrow minded and shitty, and that if he was a real friend he’d have … I dunno.  That he’d … give a shit about me.  You see, I was pretty badly depressed, and I was convinced that no-one loved me and no-one could love me.  But instead of blaming myself, I sent it out.  I found anyone I could to blame.”

“Even.”  Isak’s voice was impossibly soft, impossibly kind.  “That’s not your fault.  You know that, right?”

“You don’t get it.  I’m an asshole when I’m having an episode, and people don’t deserve to deal with that.”

“That’s not true.  Well … yeah you can be an asshole, but not the way you mean.  Anyway, we all make mistakes and we all deal with them.”  Isak smiled.  “I like dealing with them with you.”

“But I ditched them all.  I was so ashamed of what I did that I just … left.  No contact, no messages to say I was okay.  Nothing.”

“That’s okay, though.”

“It’s really not.  I hurt them, Mikael and Sonja particularly, and I just …”

“Seems to me like they got over it.”

“Yeah, they did.  But I don’t deserve that.”

“You know what Eva told me when I tried to apologise to her for the second time about what I did?”

“What?”

“She said she was over it, and I should get over it too.  That’s good advice, you know?”

“But it’s hard.”

Isak nodded, and there was a depth of understanding in his eyes that made Even’s heart ache.  “Yeah it is.  But it’s harder when you try to beat yourself up about it for too long.”

Feeling hopeful, relieved that Isak hadn’t run screaming from the room, or whatever other melodramatic idea he’d been worried about, Even smirked at him.  “It is, huh?”

“Yeah.  Believe me, I tried it.  It’s not fun.”

They sat in silence for a few moments before Isak snuggled in next to Even.  “I’m sorry if you thought this was going to drive me off.  But you have to try harder than that.  You’re stuck with me.”

Feeling something shift inside his chest at the words, Even smiled, feeling almost happy.  “Stuck with you, huh?”

“Mmmmhmm.”  Isak lifted his head and kissed Even, a promise for the future.  “Now what say we find something a bit more interesting to do than talk about the past?”

Even drew him in for a deeper kiss.  “That sounds … pretty good to me,” he said.

  
  
  


A few weeks later, Even was sitting in the kitchen at Isak’s flat waiting for him.  Isak was not quite ready for the day, something Even was slowly becoming used to.  Waking up, getting dressed … these were things Isak did on sufferance.  This routine between them had become casual, easy in a way Even had never expected all those weeks ago when he’d asked Sana to help him talk to the boy and then found himself fake dating the man of his dreams.  There were days when Even still pinched himself whenever he thought about how perfect his life was now.  He’d noted once before how easy it was to just coexist with Isak, and that feeling crashed back on him again.  There was no pressure, just a gentle acceptance of Even for who he was.  Warts and all, massive fuckups in his past and all, Isak took it all in stride and loved Even regardless.  It was … it was really overwhelming when Even allowed himself to think about it in any depth.

“Isak?”  Even called out, tired of sitting alone, and desperate to hear his boyfriend’s voice again.

“Yeah, baby?” Isak called back from the bathroom where Even could just see him as he was busy playing with his hair.

“I’m bored and lonely; come sit with me.”

“You’re always bored and lonely,” Isak said, smirking as he emerged from the bathroom and wandered over to where Even was sitting.

“Rude and incorrect,” Even protested.  “I’m never bored when I’m with you.”

Isak rolled his eyes and dropped a kiss onto Even’s lips.  “You’re such an idiot.”

“I’m your idiot.”

Even pulled Isak down until he was sitting sideways across his lap, then peppered kisses all over his neck.  Isak squirmed and protested, moving himself around until he was seated straddling Even and able to look down on him.

“Mine,” he agreed.  He pressed their noses together in a way that had already started to feel like home to Even, and he smiled.

“I recognise that hoodie,” Even said, tugging on the garment.  Isak looked down at himself in confusion, then smiled as Even continued.  “I’m sure I used to own it.”

“ _ Used _ to own it, yeah.  It’s mine now.”

“I would protest, but it looks good on you.  Perfect fit,” Even said, sliding his hands under it and pulling Isak closer against him, enjoying the feel of Isak’s skin under his hands, warm from his shower and smooth under Even’s calloused fingertips.  “Besides, it’s special.”

“Yeah,” Isak agreed.  “I kept waiting for you to want it back, but you never asked.  It felt like …” he blushed suddenly, and his voice dropped into a whisper as if he was imparting some scandalous piece of gossip  “... like if you didn’t want it back then maybe I had a chance.”

Even laughed, kissing Isak once, firmly.  “You always had a chance, baby.”

Isak pulled back and looked into Even’s eyes properly, his own slightly wary.  “What do you mean?”

“I was only in that cafe because I wanted to meet you.”

Isak still looked confused.  “But how did you know ...?”  His face suddenly cleared and he laughed.  “Sana.”

“Sana,” Even agreed with a smile.  

“She helped me too, you know,” Isak said, laughing.  “Told me to stop being a dick and just tell you how I felt.”

“And did you?”

“Eventually, yeah.”

“We should send her a card or something.”

“Nah. That would just encourage her.  Besides, I think we’d have got here on our own anyway.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.  In every universe.”  Isak gave a decisive nod.  “We’d always find each other.”

Even had never been particularly fond of the idea of multiple universes, but right here, right now, he thought that thought was a remarkably good one.  The idea that somewhere out there were multiple Evens with multiple Isaks and that all of them were this happy … well, he really liked that thought.  He reached up to pull Isak down for another kiss.  

As Isak’s hands buried themselves in his hair, Even couldn’t help a contented sigh from escaping.  The other universes didn’t matter anyway, not when he was here in this one with Isak.  In hindsight. Even wouldn’t have it any other way.  All the crap they’d been through, and the fake dating debacle that hadn’t really worked out, had -- as Sana had suggested once so long ago -- brought them closer together in a way that no normal meeting ever could.

Isak pulled Even into another kiss, and Even felt at peace.  However imperfect the start, where they were right now was so good it was as close to perfection as Even could imagine.


End file.
